Motherhood is a job that no woman is truly ever prepared for -- no amount of babysitting, pet-raising, video-watching, article-reading or advice-gathering will truly ever amount to the tremendous responsibility of raising your own miniature human being. These responsibilities and ill-preparedness may double in cases where a woman faces motherhood alone, sans partner.
And while single mothers may have to incur more preparation for the birth of their child than other mothers, one thing they shouldn’t have to prepare for is the intense scrutiny that they receive.
The stigma surrounding single motherhood is potent and pervasive, contrasting the valiant and admirable reputation of single fatherhood. But providing for a person single-handedly is always a cause for applause.
Here are some reasons you should stop damning single mothers:
1. You’re punishing the responsible party.
The irony of shaming single mothers is that those who do it choose to punish or place blame on the parent who is actually doing their job. Actually, more than their job, because they assume the role of both parents.
It’s incredible that we have decided to fault women for their male partner's shortcomings. It is incredible that it does not occur to people to fault the absent male. The idea that a woman is completely responsible for the actions of her child’s father is infantilization of the male at one of its most extreme circumstances (Ironic, seeing as how sexist ideals place men as the head of household and generally proclaim them to be smarter, stronger, more competent human beings than women. Hmm.). Men are not powerless creatures (clearly) and they do not need to be coddled into being a responsible parent. If single motherhood is deplorable then perhaps the criticisms should be save for the party that caused the woman to have to raise her child alone.
Honestly, these baseless critiques are not going to change the situation of the mother or the child, except for causing the mother to suffer the repercussions of her stigma.
2. Everyone’s entitled to a failed relationship.
There are many scenarios in which a mother may become “single,” however it is often assumed that these women were only loosely involved with the father of their child at the time of conception, thus leading to his lack of involvement in the family and home life. This ignores the many women who were in long-term relationships -- wed and unwed -- those who planned their pregnancy and others.
But even if the mother and father weren’t in the most serious of relationships when they reproduced, mama shouldn’t be chastised just because the relationship didn’t work out. Everyone’s entitled to a failed relationship. Even when children are involved. Sometimes especially when there are children involved (rather have healthy single parents, than unhappy involved parents).
In a nation that promotes casual, no-strings-attached sex, or premarital sex in general, it is extremely hypocritical to judge women who have children as a result of an “affair.” Seems as though those who haven't produced children as a result of their trysts are experiencing more of the luck of the draw, as opposed to being more morally upright or better than.
3. The father has to come to terms with his choices.
Unfortunately, there’s this narrative “you knew what kind of man he was before you got pregnant,” that pervades discussions on single motherhood. This ideology is used to chastise women who complain about uninvolved or unfit fathers after their bundle of joy has arrived, essentially saying “welp, you can’t complain.”
Well, guess who else knew what kind of man he was before the mother got pregnant? He did. And yet, he chose to run the risk of creating a child, even while knowing that he didn’t want a child and would try to be involved as little as possible.
Again, men are not powerless. Though we may like to think of them as these entities governed by their own barely-controllable sexual impulses, they are human beings with a sense of right and wrong, a cognitive thinking process and agency. The failure to prevent an unwanted pregnancy is the fault of the party who did not wish to have a baby (whether that is one of them or the two of them).
Consequently, he must deal with the consequences of unexpectedly creating new life. Infants are delicate creatures who need/deserve all finances, utilities, clothes, food, love and care as they can possibly receive. An absent father is undoubtedly robbing them of at least some of those things.
A mother trying to compensate for that does not deserve to take the fall for the father’s selfishness.
