Just like everyone, I started out loving life and everything it had to offer. But then, life actually happened. As life goes on, some aspects of life become more dreaded than others. For me, that most dreaded aspect is love.
I used to love, love.
I used to be the girl that lived for those cheesy romance movies, especially Nicholas Sparks movies (and books). I loved the idea of happy endings and "perfect" relationships. But nothing in life is perfect, which I quickly realized.
If you would've asked me 5 years ago about my plans for life, they would've gone along the lines of, "get married and start a family." But, things happen and plans change.
Reasons behind these changes can be different for everyone, but there are a couple that are especially big for me.
The first of these reasons is probably the most cliche' of them all. First of all, there's been too many instances where I've been hurt. Before you stop reading, just hear me out. At the start of my dating adventures, I was young and very naive. I quickly learned that not everything is rainbows and butterflies, and reality hits hard very quickly. The idea of love seemed so easy and great to me until I was proven wrong. Sadly, the kind of "love" I thought I had found was the opposite of what I once wanted and dreamed of. The "love" I found brought me down, made me forget who I was, and ultimately made me miserable. After this experience, and plenty leading up to it, I decided that maybe this whole "love" thing wasn't all it's made out to be after all.
The second reason is one that seems to be becoming more common nowadays. That is a reason that I just really don't like to express my feelings towards most anything really. I wasn't always like that, past experiences, like mentioned before, are what made me this way. I used to love talking about mushy-gushy things, and I shared things about myself without thinking twice. But, over time I've locked everything away and become more like a maximum security facility, where only a select few can really get in. And to love and to let myself be loved would require that security to be knocked down a few notches.
As I've stated, each person has different reasons for becoming who they are, and if they're anything like me, they might be open every now and again to changing some things here and there.
If you're one of those select people that someone like me chooses to let in, just be patient and know that opening up and trying new things will take time.
Thinking back to those life goals I mentioned before, and fast-forwarding to now, my goals for life have definitely changed. I've become much more independent, and sure of myself. My goals today are more along the lines of, earn my degree, land a great job, become completely independent and own a home, travel and see the world, among other things I want for myself. Ultimately, I'm not bitter, and that's not why I don't necessarily care for love, I'm just more experienced and comfortable in my own skin and with being myself.
Sincerely,
The Girl Who Used To Love, Love
