Dear drivers,

I drag another car as its wheels slowly turning behind me. You should know, this is not a pleasurable thing for me either. I don’t get any pleasure towing your cars. I simply get a monetary reward—from you—and that is what I get pleasure from. OK, so yes, it brings me joy taking your cars. Still I do hope you don’t take it personally but judging from the way you storm into my office in the morning, I know you did. I give you the facts of the situation. Your ass parked somewhere you weren’t supposed to, I found your car, I took it and now you have to pay $110 dollars to get your car back. Unless you wait to pick it up another day. Then I’ll probably charge you more to get it back. Again, don’t take this personally, it's just that my space is extremely valuable. I need all the space I have to get more suckers like you each night. It really is not my fault you still can’t seem to figure out where you can park. Maybe you thought you would be back to your car before I got to it, but the possibility that I would get to it before you must have crossed your mind at some point.

I rely on your carelessness to earn a living. I need you to mess up in order to provide for myself. On slower nights I am not going to lie, I get tempted to tow a car that may or may not have been in the wrong spot. Yes, I know you will argue with me but if there’s no proof…that’s fair game. But don’t be mad at me—I am only doing my job. If you really want to blame someone, blame the system! Don’t come yelling at me in the morning. Maybe look up some road rules and figure out where you’re allowed to park.

I am aware that most people hate me and that nobody wants to be towed but all I have to say to you is get your life together. But also thank you for not having your life together, really gives me something to do.

Sincerely,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Towers