I'm not so good with responsibility. Scratch that, being an adult in general is my life's biggest struggle. Last week was finals at Scripps: a week where I disappear into my room "to study." When in actuality...

In times of trouble, the infamous computer game Sims 3 comes to me, speaking words of wisdom: focus on the various activities of little, often glitchy game characters rather than on real life.

The objective of the game is to create a family, as large or small as you want, and guide them through their lives: school, university, careers, marriage or divorce, retirement and the inevitability of death. I have currently played 363 hours of the Sims, approximately two straight weeks worth. It got to the point last week where I was actually picturing Sim "moodlets" (small pictographs that represent a Sim's current mood) floating over my head; let's just say I was often "tired", "stressed," "sleeping on a cheap bed," "having a mood swing" and "going through a midlife crisis."

Inspired by the Sims slowly but surely infiltrating my real life, I've decided to construct a guide detailing how one can apply the weird, often hilarious antics of the Sims to college life. Perhaps these tools can be utilized for next semester. No need to thank me.

1. Escape your responsibilities by getting stuck behind a small, easily-movable object.

The carpool has arrived to take this Sim to work; observe how he finds himself trapped in the house by a folding lawn chair. Take this into consideration next time you have to attend a class you hate; put a small object in front of your door and spend the next three days stomping your foot and waving in exasperation.

2. Take alternative measures for self-care.

Hungry? Eat, like, five chamomile leaves. Kinda stinky but not in the mood for a shower? Brush your teeth 11 times. Looking for love? Approach that random cutie in the dining hall, ask them about their day a million times, couple up, propose marriage and have a child in minutes. Don't multitask too hard, though; this Sim seems to have gotten himself a little tangled up.

However, sometimes we don't have time for even these menial tasks. If so...

3. Gussy up immediately!

Turn on those cheats and amp up your mood. You can go for days without sleeping, eating and practicing daily hygiene; how very convenient. Go from being so upset that you could electrocute yourself if you try to repair your dishwasher to floating on cloud nine in 0.5 seconds. Being happy will help you in university; if you're really smelly there's a good chance you'll fail your final.

Of course, there are always other ways to make yourself happier. If you happen to have a more evil personality, you can...

4. Murder your more annoying classmates.

We all have enemies; be it that one kid who won't stop muttering to himself during tests or the creepy manchild stalking you at a party. Forget knives or cyanide; all one has to do is build a small, inescapable room surrounding the person in question. They will grow angry, pee themselves, complain about not having food, pass out from exhaustion and then finally go quietly into that good night. If you're feeling nice, give them some toys to play with while they're waiting for their inevitable demise. As you can see, I have provided this Sim with a dishwasher.

5. Start living it large at school with a simple, quasi-Buzzfeed lifehack.

Nice pool you got there, mate. I especially love the floating diving board. You can have one these bad boys too! Press ctrl+shift+c, type "testingcheatsenabled true", and then "motherlode." Instant $50,000. You can do it as much as you want, too. Scrippsies: if you've ever wanted a skyscraper-sized garden gnome outside of Malott or a 1x1 pool in your dorm's second floor bathroom, this is the lifehack for you. The opportunities are endless.

6. Take some time out of studying to get your sexy on, Woohoo style.

Come on, now. We're college students. We all know how sex works. Jump into bed with a fellow classmate you met a minute ago and yell, "Woohoo!" under the sheets. Cosmo Sex Tips never saw this one coming. Whatever you do, though, don't get rid of the blanket covering you getting down and dirty; it can get a little, well, unnatural.

Unfortunately, there's no option for protection, so if you end up having an unwanted child the following week...

7. Light your baby on fire.

Fun for the whole family! Sit back, play some computer games and enjoy that "cozy fire" moodlet. One can do various other things such as putting the little brat in the dishwasher, roasting it on the grill, or simply ignoring its needs. Child services will eventually swing by and confiscate your child so you can resume college life in peace.

8. Practice radical self-love.

Learning to be kind to yourself is essential in these dark times. Even if you're wearing the same sweatpants for weeks at a time or your face is on your stomach, remember: you're beautiful just the way you are.

Sometimes, though, college just doesn't work for people. Even with these handy tips, the grind just gets overwhelming. If university isn't for you...

9. Rack up 50,000 Lifetime Happiness points and buy your university degree without taking a single class.

It's easier than you think. Complete various relevant activities (go fishing before 6 A.M., imply that someone's mother looks like a llama, eat spaghetti) to earn these handy points; once you have enough, you can earn your degree at the click of a button. Get that degree and take over the world, my friend.

I desperately hope you have the "amused" moodlet hanging over your head as you finish reading. My sole purpose is to provide you with easy, employable strategies for next fall. Take it from this Sim:

Go that extra mile. Success is so close, one can almost taste it...