As I lie here on my dorm bed, my left leg is having muscle spasms and my ankle throbbing, I wonder, “How can I explain this to my doctor? It’s not the same pain as yesterday.”
There are moments like these when I realize that thinking in ways of explaining the puzzle that is my body to my doctor is not normal.
Most people don’t worry about how to perfectly phrase,“Standing makes me have intense vertigo and the bottoms of my feet feel like they’re burning when I walk," without sounding crazy. Most people don’t worry about wearing two pairs of pants and socks so their feet won’t turn white and blue. Most people don’t jokingly call themselves a medical mystery (I don’t believe I am technically a medical mystery, but after three years it seems like I am at times).
I don’t pity myself; my medical issues are part of the reason I am far more optimistic than I used to be. But there are days where everything seems so unfair. I don’t like those days. They are emotional and tiring, but they happen.
On those days, I try my hardest to keep to myself because all I want to do is yell as loud as I can. On those days, I wish that I could have an answer, that I could be like everyone else. Everyone has hard days, mine just center on medical issues.
Today is one of those days, where I am tired of being in pain. I wish that my leg would stop twitching so I could go to sleep. I wish that my ankle would stop swelling. I have learned that wishing doesn’t get results. If wishing got results, well, I’d have an answer as to why I have so many issues and I’d have a treatment for it.
I have also learned that while tonight is bad, and tomorrow may be bad, there will be days where everything is perfect. These bad days don’t make it sweeter, I won’t lie, but I do savor my good days a lot more than I used to.
I don’t pity myself. I have learned far more from my medical issues than I had ever expected to. I have learned patience and how to handle disappointment. I have learned how to push through pain and how to empathize with those who have it as well.
This is just a bump in a long road and I can’t say I mind it too much, as long as it helps out in the long run.
