Thanks to the Internet, we millennials can get anything we want at a moment's notice, even dates. All it takes is a simple swipe right on Tinder and a brief, halfheartedly flirtatious conversation to find yourself on a date with a random stranger. Though online dating is nothing new, horror stories like the documentary "Catfish" (and its subsequently successful reality series) are constant reminders that you never truly knowyour online date until you finally meet up in your local generic coffee shop after spending months exchanging witty banter in an algorithm-generated chat room.
While we can all hope that those horror stories are the exception to the Tinder-era rules, how can you ever really tell if your Tinder date is a human, or just a sentient potato? Here are all the clues you need.
He is wrinkly.
Sure, his wrinkles could indicate that he is an elderly person, but if that skin looks like it could peel right off after spending 30 minutes wrapped in aluminum foil at 350 degrees Fahrenheit, you might need to ask a few questions. Like, "What soil is most conducive to a productive harvest?" or (more importantly) "What's it like being one of the most versatile starches known to man?"
He is spherical.
If his lack of arms and legs and general orb-like shape cause him to roll off of his chair with little to no control, you definitely have cause for concern. Think about it. This is just one date, but before you know it, the two of you could be tying the knot. Yeah, you'll get to walk down the aisle but he will have to roll! How embarrassing is that?
He cannot speak.
Have you ever met a talking potato? No. Mr. Potato Head does not count. (On the plus side, if he can't speak, he will be really good at keeping your deepest darkest secrets!)
He is covered in spuds.
Okay, fine. No one actually looks like the "After" photos in prescription acne medication commercials, and blemishes are just a part of the human condition. But if those blemishes look like they could've been connected to roots and burrowed underground, then this guy probably isn't human.
His Tinder profile pic is a potato.
That should've been a red flag before you even swiped right in the first place. Hey, maybe you were giving him the benefit of the doubt. How very noble of you!
Despite the evidence, chances are, this date with a sentient potato is most likely NOT the worst Tinder date you have ever had! Good luck out there, friends. You're going to need it.