We've all had this experience: You're walking around campus minding your own business when suddenly you get the creeping feeling that something in your life is disturbingly amiss. You rack your brain for what possibly could be driving this existential panic into you. Did you forget to take your clothes out of the wash? No, that can't be it. A test you need to study for? No, that's not right either. A smoky thought of Cartesian philosophy drifts into your mind, remembered vaguely from freshman Philosophy 101. You stop walking and begin to shake. What if you aren't alive at all? What if every one thing you have ever experienced thus far in life is a hallucinated psychosis from the expulsion of various neurotransmitters right before death and nothing in this world that you have seen or done is real at all? What if you're a 40 year old woman in a coma in the year 1993 and this is your coma nightmare and you have another life waiting for you when you wake up? That is, if you ever wake up.
Well, lucky for you, you no longer have to wonder if all of this is your death hallucination anymore because this article is a handy cheat sheet of all the signs to look out for to know if this is actually your real life.
1. No reflection in the mirror, your death date draws nearer.
This is an easy sign! And it means you aren't dead...yet. But heed the mirror's warning; unless you're a vampire, you should definitely have a reflection every time you gaze into a looking glass. And if you don't, start preparing yourself for death's sweet and untimely embrace.
2. When the hand of the clock strikes ten, thus commences the clucking of a hen.
Maybe you live on a farm where hens run free, or maybe you're dead and hens (the most ethereal of all avian creatures) are trying to guide you toward death's door instead of letting you lazily toil in this half life. Listen for the hen's cluck at 10 am or 10 pm. If you hear it, admit to yourself it's time to pass on to the next life.
3. The door crafted from elm marks the entrance to the spirit realm.
Have you seen a mysterious door meticulously carved from the wood of an elm tree that seems to beckon you to slowly open it and peek what's on the other side? Well, I'll tell you what's on the other side. The other side is on the other side. You should open it and stop torturing yourself in this dream of existence you've drawn for yourself to deal with the crushing reality of your own demise.
4. A charred crow doth rise wherever you set your eyes.
To be fair, it is migration season so you're bound to see a crow here or there throughout the upcoming weeks. However, if everywhere you turn there seems to be a crow, perhaps the same one, you're dead. Crows have been harbingers of death for hundreds of years, and this one is simply waiting to pick at your bones for all eternity--once you admit you're dead, that is.
5. A man named Warner stands under the streetlamp corner.
We all know that shady man who stands on the corner under a streetlight, probably looking to sell some fake watches or drugs. He's a cool dude not trying to harm anyone. However, if his name be Warner, you better run from that corner! He's but Charon in disguise looking to guide you to the depths of Hades. He chose Warner as his name because it makes him sound friendlier and affluent.
6. Though the sun rays shine, you still remain fair and fine.
It's a well known fact that dead people of all colors, shapes, and sizes turn an ashy gray upon death. If you find yourself unable to tan or much paler than usual, guess what, you're dead and everything is but death-fueled fancy. Don't stress out, in the next life you won't have any kind of corporal body and, therefore, no judgment on the languid color of your skin.
Keep a lookout for these six signs and, sure enough, you can discern whether you're alive or not fairly easily!
