How My First Crush Predicted My Sexuality
Start writing a post
Relationships

How My First Crush Predicted My Sexuality

The Signs Were Always There

1240
How My First Crush Predicted My Sexuality
Christina Palomo

I had my first crush at age 5.

Though I was a virgin well into adulthood, whose lips had never quite been brushed, I credit my curious older cousins and MTV for an early sexual awakening. I became aware of sex, crushes, and necrophilia around the level of first grade. Similar to Santa Claus, I'm not sure exactly when I found out, but I like to think I was always aware.

My mom blamed her divorce and the short relationships that followed for my lack of interest in romance. She said that she was guilty of never providing my brother and I a ā€œsolid foundationā€ for a home life. My father and she fought frequently, and their marriage lasted the toddler years of our childhood.

But I couldnā€™t blame them, it was probably for the best in terms of a healthy home. My father started working for the railroad for a hefty salary increase, but he had to leave town for a week at a time. My mother had grueling office hour days, so my brother and I spent our days in daycare, where we learned how to socialize.

I couldnā€™t recall the name but this one particular daycare had a really juvenile way of disciplining the kids anytime they wet their pants or didnā€™t listen. All the kids would round up in a circle, the perpetrator sat in the middle, and the other children would run up and pretend to act as ā€œdinosaursā€, attacking the poor kid.

I had been the victim of the ā€œdinosaur danceā€ once, and the five-year-old me tried to hold back the tears that dripped down my face afterward. I glanced over at the boy I had been trying to impress the weeks before and experienced my first humiliation when his little eyebrows creased toward my way.

Of course, at this age, it might be considered puppy love before a developed emotion, if it could be described as even that, but my very first crush was the most important. The little boy was enthusiastic about playing ā€œPower Rangersā€ and insisted on being the red ranger. Thatā€™s what I liked about him so much, he was naturally a leader.

He was taller than me, if only a few centimeters, and wore his favorite colors of red and blue, often paired with a shirt and plain shorts. The black hair on his head kept its baby-softness and fell gently down his forehead and cradled his ears. I longed to stroke his head.

The humiliation of being ravaged by snot-nosed kids had long been forgotten by the next day. I sat obediently in the daily circle we formed before recess, eager to get outside and act out a scheme to catch the attention of my crush.

My eyes darted around the room, searching for him among the kids who were slowly assembling our circle. They seemed to move a bit slower today. We were almost all lined up when I finally spotted him sitting crisscross on the floor, toothy grin as usual.

And then I noticed he was wearing a dress.

Years later, before coming to terms with my sexuality, I denied that it meant anything. I seemed to do this a lot. Deny my curiosity, deny the idea of being anything other than a straight female, ignore the strange feeling when my openly gay friend would flirt with me, forget about the time my friend kissed my neck in the girlā€™s bathroom.

I was afraid of being seen as dirty, or butch, or an openly sexual being. When the idea crept in the back of my mind, I quickly waved the thought away with a swift, ā€œNah, I like boys.ā€

All I knew was the confusion after the reveal of my first crush being a girl. I clearly mistook her for a boy, it was an honest mistake. It wasnā€™t until I considered the thought of being attracted to women when I remembered, the reveal of my crush's true gender didn't keep me from continuing to have feelings.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Student Life

Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

59016
college students waiting in a long line in the hallway
StableDiffusion

Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.

This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.

Keep Reading...Show less
a man and a woman sitting on the beach in front of the sunset

Whether you met your new love interest online, through mutual friends, or another way entirely, you'll definitely want to know what you're getting into. I mean, really, what's the point in entering a relationship with someone if you don't know whether or not you're compatible on a very basic level?

Consider these 21 questions to ask in the talking stage when getting to know that new guy or girl you just started talking to:

Keep Reading...Show less
Lifestyle

Challah vs. Easter Bread: A Delicious Dilemma

Is there really such a difference in Challah bread or Easter Bread?

38112
loaves of challah and easter bread stacked up aside each other, an abundance of food in baskets
StableDiffusion

Ever since I could remember, it was a treat to receive Easter Bread made by my grandmother. We would only have it once a year and the wait was excruciating. Now that my grandmother has gotten older, she has stopped baking a lot of her recipes that require a lot of hand usage--her traditional Italian baking means no machines. So for the past few years, I have missed enjoying my Easter Bread.

Keep Reading...Show less
Adulting

Unlocking Lake People's Secrets: 15 Must-Knows!

There's no other place you'd rather be in the summer.

959600
Group of joyful friends sitting in a boat
Haley Harvey

The people that spend their summers at the lake are a unique group of people.

Whether you grew up going to the lake, have only recently started going, or have only been once or twice, you know it takes a certain kind of person to be a lake person. To the long-time lake people, the lake holds a special place in your heart, no matter how dirty the water may look.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Top 10 Reasons My School Rocks!

Why I Chose a Small School Over a Big University.

196315
man in black long sleeve shirt and black pants walking on white concrete pathway

I was asked so many times why I wanted to go to a small school when a big university is so much better. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure a big university is great but I absolutely love going to a small school. I know that I miss out on big sporting events and having people actually know where it is. I can't even count how many times I've been asked where it is and I know they won't know so I just say "somewhere in the middle of Wisconsin." But, I get to know most people at my school and I know my professors very well. Not to mention, being able to walk to the other side of campus in 5 minutes at a casual walking pace. I am so happy I made the decision to go to school where I did. I love my school and these are just a few reasons why.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments