“Ethan, help! My significant other has been acting really strange around me lately and I don’t know what is wrong!” Well, no need to worry, Dr. Stone might know what the problem is. If your lover’s mind seems to be elsewhere all the time, it might be somewhere in Europe/Asia

What this means is that your lover might be thinking about leaving you, and your country, and pledging their loyalty to the motherland of Russia. If you think that this may be in your relationship’s future, please read these 12 reasons that could indicate someone’s secret intent to dis pledge their American allegiance and leave to the Red country.

REMEMBER! Read this whole list before asking your partner if they are thinking of defecting to Russia. Defecting to Russia is considered treason and it could hurt your lover’s feelings if you wrongly accuse them of this.

1. He/She has been talking about learning the alphabet for about a year

If your lover has been talking passionately about learning the alphabet, pay attention to how frequently they mention this. If they have been talking about this for well over six months, they may not be talking about the English alphabet, but the Cyrillic alphabet. This alphabet is known to take much longer to learn

2. They constantly complain that the new season of The Americans is not on Netflix

The Americans is a tv show from the channel FX about two KGB agents spying on America by posing as US citizens. If your significant other is maybe just a little TOO eager to watch what happens next, this show could actually be what put the idea of defecting in their brain in the first place. Check their Netflix history to see how often they rewatch the series

3. Your partner is unimpressed by the lack of bears in America

Have you ever been having pillow talk with your lover, when suddenly it takes a serious turn when someone mentions the lack of bears walking the streets in America? The bear is a well-known symbol of Russia, representing the powerful nature of country. Perhaps your partner isn’t being reminded enough of their soon-to-be new homeland and is lashing out at you subconsciously about it. Take them to New Hampshire or Maine and see how their mood improves.

4. You catch them watching Vladimir Putin’s UN Assembly Speech

Sometimes you can learn a lot about someone depending on what they watch when they think no one is around. My girlfriend didn’t even know I wanted to have children until she caught me watching Master Chef Jr. by myself at 3 am! That is why if you catch them Vladimir Putin giving his UN Assembly Speech when they think no one else is around with a look of passion in their eyes they used to give you, note this down. This one is one of the more painful symptoms, but you must come to terms with it, no matter how many times they say they thought it was Vin Diesel in a political-thriller

5. They have been distributing both of your income evenly

Wow! Your significant other has really been helping you out financially lately, how nice of them. Well, this might not actually be as great as it seems. Your partner might actually be practicing communism inside your own home. They are trying to distribute both of your funds evenly amongst the both of you because it makes them feel more comfortable. Make sure you ask your accountant to report to you whenever your lover asks about both of your income. If you make more money, see how many times they ask you for specific amounts and vice versa if they make more than you.

6. They constantly make “In Soviet Russia…” jokes

You are both getting ready for a night out on the town. Your lover is taking a little bit longer than you would hope. “C’mon!” You call to them, “We have to leave and I have to drive the car!”. Suddenly from upstairs you hear “In Soviet Russia, the car drives YOU!”. Do NOT take this lightly. This type of joke is known as a Russian Reversal and are very unfunny. It is okay to do one or two a year, but pay attention to how many they make. They could genuinely find these to be humorous commentary on where they plan to live and aren’t saying them ironically because they’re f*cking terrible.

7. They make constant trips to Home Depot

Home Depot might possibly be the worst place on Earth. It is a whole place dedicated solely to the purpose of buying things that require physical labor to use and constantly smells like musty wood chips. If someone goes there when it isn’t a last resort, that is a concern already. But if you find your lover going there a little too frequently, watch what they are buying. See if you can snag one of their receipts and look for specific clues about their new interests. If they are buying an unusually amount of hammer and sickles, chances are they are buying them to honor Russian history when Russia was considered the Soviet Union. Sometimes even the purchase of a red flag… is a red flag! Ha ha!

8. They sigh when they play as the marines in online video games

Online video games are a great pastime for many. Your lover is quite the fan of online shooters, like Call of Duty, yet suddenly it seems they only enjoy playing half of the time. This one is a symptom that can slip between the cracks, but watch their face when they see what team they are on in the game. See if their face glows when they get to play on the Russian team, or if they look disgusted when they play the US marines and have to murder their own, new brethren for points. Chances are they might even lose the round and consider themselves a martyr to the virtual motherland

9. They don’t think the movie Miracle should be called “Miracle”

“More like ‘lucky win’” they will say… Real eye opener

10. They start calling Russian porn just “porn”

You and your partner are feeling a little frisky so you decide to watch a porno together, because apparently that's an actual thing couples do together. You find a nice link to a porno called “Vladimir Putin’ it in Her A*s”. You start watching it together and it is really steamy. You turn to your partner and say “Wow, this is some really scandalous Russian porn”. The world seems to slow down when you partner says “yeah, this regular porn is just wonderful”. Be careful. THIS IS NOT A VERBAL MISTAKE. Your partner has been watching so much Russian porn that their brain has made it the new norm for them

11. See what their opinion is on the Space Race

The Space Race is a fantastic part in an otherwise awful time in history known as the Cold War. Tensions were high during this, so any American planning to defect to Russia will blindly agree with American opinions about the more major parts of the Cold War. Watch them slip when you mention the Space Race. If they think America reaching the moon was “fake” that is a small sign of their anger towards your country. Ask them what Neil Armstrong or Buzz Aldrin did for a profession. He/She may be stubborn on this one and say they were “actors”. As a last resort, ask what was the job of Russian hero, Yuri Gagarin. If the word “cosmonaut” comes out instead of astronaut, you might want to put Homeland Security on speed dial.

12. What literature interests them

If they have suddenly stopped reading the Harry Potter series to pick up a copy of The Communist Manifesto, this “Marx” another sign that they will soon reside in Russia

Those 12 reasons are very popular signs that your lover may want to leave the US and trade a few secrets to the land of Russia. Make sure you count how many of these symptoms they begin to show. If they show at least 10 of the 12, that is no mistake. The tenth month of the year is October, the month where famous defector Lee Harvey Oswald left to Russia. Please have the talk with your partner immediately. Just make sure it is in a comfortable, neutral ground with a chaperone from the FBI present.