How To: Determine If You Can Go to Class

1. Try to go.

2. Make it halfway out of your dorm before dying.

3. Crawl back in bed feeling like a sad little quitter.

How To: Be a Freshman

1. Get sick every two weeks.

How To: Let Your Teacher Know You're Too Sick For Class

1. Show up to class with a coughing fit.

2. Excuse yourself at least twice to handle sick person stuff.

3. Get sent back to your dorm.

How To: Email Your Teacher That You're Too Sick For Class

1. Barely stay awake long enough to type out the email.

2. Have them insist on a doctors note.

3. Prepare yourself for a death crawl to Student Health Services.

How To: Stay Healthy

1. Wash your hands frequently.

2. Eat your vitamins.

3. Drink lots of fluids.

4. Don't attend a college campus.

How To: Be Sick

1. See aforementioned advice on staying healthy.

2. Fall a week behind for missing a class.

3. Fall a month behind for missing two classes.

How To: Prepare to Be Sick

1. Say that there's no way you're going to get sick, so you don't prepare.

2. Get sick.

3. Have every pre-med on your floor insisting on pouring NyQuil and DayQuil down your throat.

Sick Day in Class Survival Kit:

Ibuprofen

Travel tissue packs

Water

Tea in a to-go mug

Microwave soup that will never cook right and even when it does won't taste good

Clean pajamas to change into before class

Pathetic groans to use every time you remember you're in class

Hatred for attendance policies

A bed to get into immediately when you get out of class

A Netflix subscription you won't use because you fell asleep