I am not the normal teenager who was meant to experience all of these teen romances like most our age start to begin around 14. I am not the normal teenager who can keep my love for another human romantically last for longer than the time it took to form it. I am flawed, as most are. But I will break your heart every time. I always find someone, and I always think “this time, it will be different,” but I have yet to experience that difference. I open up, I will talk about things most don’t and take you to places you've never been before. Play you songs and artists so you can’t help but think of me when you hear them. Make plans of traveling the world so you remember me when someone talks about even the smallest of countries. Kiss you in the most plain places in the most memorable ways so that single parking lot is forever changed for you. The universe, nature, poetry, music, dreams; I can show you all of it, and I will. I will make you fall in love with me in the first week if I truly want to, and the week after I’ll be gone. I build it up, you, me, us...and then I leave.
For a few years I've been like this, only having 2 relationships that actually lasted 2 months or more. I like to think it’s because I’m damaged, or because I just don’t know any better. The problem being, I do know better... I just can’t stop. Is it because it’s easier to love for a week, and leave because I find myself getting annoyed or I just don’t like you anymore, rather than to stay and chance getting close to someone again? Is it because I aspire to find someone so perfect they just don’t exist? Who knows, but I know it’s torture to those I infect with whatever I am. To this day I still have old flames contact me out of sadness, longing to hear my voice or just get a simple word out of me again. To this day, the list keeps growing and maybe it’s because I’m so young I just don’t know how to stop. Some say it’s because I’m a free spirit, that’ll it take the right person to change me and maybe they’re right. Maybe I just haven’t met my match yet.
What I think is partially in tune with what others have said, that I’m only supposed to progress with a few people in my life and all these innocent people I’ve come into contact with over the last few years I keep mistaking for romance when they’re meant to be nothing more but a simple friendship. And if that’s true, then to all of you I am so sorry for taking a piece of all of you with me. I am sorry I might be the reason you might lie awake at 1:00 a.m and wonder where I went and why you weren’t enough for me to stay, what happened. I wasn’t always like this, and god damn do I wish you all would have known me then.
I don’t even know if i’m gonna get married one day or if I’m going to fall in love with someone and be able to stay, but I truly do think it’ll take someone and something so extraordinary for me to change that history will know about it. But, until then this isn’t just for those in the past, but also those yet to come; I’m so sorry.
