Once in my church's bathroom, I found a quote written on a wall that read: “You are a daughter of God.” This phrase, painted in a lovely font, obviously meant “daughter” as a term of endearment. Even more, this term of endearment signified women's identity and value in Christ. I could imagine ladies viewing this idea as empowering and beautiful, but I developed mixed sentiments toward it.
I’m God’s daughter, I thought to myself. These words evoked a similar phrase often heard when tragedies occur to people, especially women. They are phrases I often object against: “she’s someone’s daughter" or "he's someone son."
As a Chinese proverb says, “A wife is everything, but a woman is nothing.” During weddings, pastors sometimes use the phrase “I now pronounce you man and wife” when the couple officially ties the knot. We may not realize it because these subtle terms and phrases become so common: women are often identified or even valued based on their connection to another human being. One of my favorite speakers and evangelists, Youtube personality Jefferson Bethke, made a video about sexual assault, men, women, and pornography. He touches on the idea of our society trying to combat against sexual objectification of women by connecting their value to other human beings, and he rebukes it: “Value, worth, and dignity are ascribed to women as human beings because they’re human beings, not because they’re linked to another human being. It [combating against assault] needs to start here.” Likewise, a journalist in Huffingpost urged that “we need to stop calling a rape victim someone’s daughter” and concludes that “she matters because she’s someone.”
This question rang up in my mind: Should I find my value as a human being regardless of any connection to another person, or is my value found in my connection to the man whose name is Jesus?
Until this day I cannot find a clear, satisfactory answer to this question. Nor can I perfectly conclude this article with a strong argument for whatever answer I can formulate in my limited human thoughts. The best answer I can possibly share is something that has humbled me and gently broken down the walls of my independence and self-reliance. This rests upon God Himself, in knowing His character, His love for me, His very Being.
My friend once invited me to a worship and prayer night at my theology professor's house. That night I joined a small group of students from a missionary club on campus for fellowship. I remember in our discussions students shared their experiences with different cultures and countries. All these struggles with identity and culture shock followed through with a theme of eventually finding their value in Christ, rather than in their legal citizenship, validation from others, individual merit, and the list goes on.
I remember sharing with the group how women like myself also experience this struggle with human value and identity amid sentiments that exist in our culture.
"How would you feel if everyone in your church didn't care about knowing your wife's actual name or didn't see her as a human being apart from her connection to you," I asked my professor, who was also a pastor at his church.
"Would you like it if they only saw her as the "pastor's wife" and thought they should respect her because she has a husband? Or thought that’s she’s worth something because she’s another man’s wife?” I continued. I remember him giving a look as though he never thought about it in this way.
I remember when we first talked about struggles young people of my generation face in regards to sexual immorality, it led to the topic of objectification and pornography. He has a wife and daughters he loves tremendously. He used the phrase, "she's also someone's daughter" when we talked about sexual immorality and objectification of women. I don't think he intended to place women’s value solely on their connection to another person as daughters. As a 20-year-old person who has never had a child, I didn't realize that by using this phrase he also thought of his own loved daughter when thinking about a stranger objectified. And so I told the group:
"I'm not sure if I like to be thought of as another man's daughter. Do I have value because I'm a human being or because I am God's daughter?"
Speaking from memory, I remember his response was a simple proclamation of the character and nature of God: “I think what people sometimes forget is that God is not a man. He is not like other people.”
Somehow this brought me peace. God is not a man. There is no one like Him.
That night, I jokingly told the group that if I were to get married someday, I will directly tell the pastor to say "I now pronounce you husband and wife" and not "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Why? Because the groom will not just be a man and the bride will not just be the wife of the man. One is not property of the other or solely labeled based on their connection to the other. They both belong to each other in a special way. They are both referred to as terms of endearment that embody equality in status and their relationship to each other. These terms of endearments mark a new relationship that will remind both of them of a greater thing that will one day be redeemed.
I may still dislike being referred to as a daughter of anyone with a male pronoun, including God. But I find tremendous relief in knowing that no one is like Him. To find my value in Him as a woman and as a naked soul is not in being called His daughter. It is in being called His beloved and calling him my Beloved.
I am my Beloved's and He is mine.
