When looking in the mirror, Kayla doesn’t look down. She examines her face from her forehead all the way down to where her chin dips in. She pulls her eyes back into their sockets as they attempt to travel down her body. She wants to look down but knows if she does, her eyes will no longer sparkle, her teeth would no longer show between her lips, and her mind would no longer sing those happy thoughts that make the day bearable.
Kayla caves in her gut, trying to forget that what the mind feels often overpowers what the eyes don’t see. It’s easy for kayla to avoid the sight of her, (in her opinion) disgusting body. It’s easy for Kayla to hide from her flaws. But it isn’t long until she feels the fat around her thighs sucking on her bones like blood. It isn’t long until her hands take control on her body and she finds herself trying to peel the fat away from her stomach. She’s beautiful but she doesn’t see it. She’s beautiful but she doesn’t feel it. Kayla is a young adult who is blind to her beautiful qualities that everyone else has the ability to see.
This is why Kayla refuses to look down.
This is why even if she did look down, she wouldn’t like what she sees.
When asked if she loves herself, Kayla replies saying, she “loves things about [her]self”, claiming that the things she does love about herself “don’t have anything to do with [her] body image”. She tells me that loving herself is still a “work in progress”. Kayla doesn’t need to answer this question in order for me to come up with a conclusion myself. I know right off the bat that Kayla doesn't think highly of herself because when first asked to describes herself in three words, she picks carefully as she answers, “fat, short, and ugly”.
What Kayla doesn’t realize is that people don’t see her the way she see’s herself. When I asked a friend of mine who just knows Kayla through passing, to describe Kayla’s appearance in three words she doesn’t hesitant to say “pretty, confident, and bold”, three words I think Kayla doesn’t even consider when looking at herself. My friend is convinced that Kayla is “true to who she is and doesn’t care what other people think”. Little does she know that Kayla has a fear of the unknown opinions of others and feels that everywhere she goes she’s going to worry “about what other people are thinking” of her.
Kayla is vulnerable as she tells me that there are times where she goes days without eating anything. She also admits that there are days where she asks herself “why [she’s] here”, pondering on the subject of life as she asks herself “what’s the point?”. Her weight has factored into a huge part of her depression, which was very surprising for one of her best friends, Brianna who knew she was depressed but didn’t know it was because of her weight at all, as she states that Kayla “doesn’t say a lot” about her weight and “keeps it to herself”.
Brianna is one of Kayla’s best friends but oddly also seems to be out of the loop of Kayla’s emotions towards her body. She describes Kayla to be confident, especially when it came to softball, and also as very outgoing. And when I revealed to her the three words Kayla used to describe herself her first reaction is she feel horrified as she says, “Oh my goodness!”
Kayla lets her beauty be defined by others as she admits that when she says she likes her eyes, it's partially because guys have complimented them. When Kayla tells me she likes her butt and boobs, it's mainly because guys sexualize them on her. She tells me this is the case because she feels more confident in her appearance when she “knows it’s attractive to someone else and not just [her]self”.
Kayla just like many others in today’s society have major body image issues, some to the point where they take their own lives or form a disorder where they risk their lives. No matter how someone see’s Kayla, or no matter how many times people call her beautiful, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that Kayla loves herself and finds beauty within every inch of her body. Kayla is beautiful but she doesn’t see it. Kayla is strong but sometimes she feels weak.
Ashley and Brianna end there interviews by giving Kayla a piece of advice. Ashley wants Kayla to know that she must “embrace what [she] has now because life is really short and you never know what’s going to happen tomorrow”. Brianna, tells Kayla to “look in the mirror because everyone looks different on the outside but we are all the same inside and that everyone is beautiful in their own way and also to be more confident”.
Lastly, I want to tell Kayla and all the other people out there dealing with a body image issues this: You are beautiful- it’s time we all start seeing it within ourselves.
