Hiding from an enemy is difficult. But when the enemy is yourself, that is when your life sifts through your hands like sand. You try to grasp every last grain that you can, but when society is pulling your fingers apart, sometimes you can't fight back because of vulnerability. Having to feel empty and not live to your full capacity is like swimming in a pool without water; you fail to swim because there is no substance. You lack water, the one thing you need. I was an upside down hourglass. My life was ticking away, and my true personality was draining. When judgment is your worst nightmare, you are in a constant realm of worry, so you lack individuality. You stray away from your own ideas, thoughts, opinions and you mold to society.
Trying to be the person that people say you should be is never the answer, and I learned this the hard way. I was going through the motions just to get by, but gradually, I was able to pull my fingers back together and hold onto the life that I am intended to live. Now, I have the strength to move mountains with my heart, my mind and my soul, but most importantly, my individuality. I can swim freely because I have water; I have life. I breathe easily, I can run faster than ever, I can speak in front of crowds without feeling criticized. I can share my opinions with others without feeling frightened. I am not afraid. I can make mistakes and learn from them. I am growing.
I am finding myself more and more each and every day. I do not have to stick to the tradition of my family members, I can have my own opinions. I don’t have to wear what everyone else is wearing because I have my own style that I personalized without shame. I can have intellectual conversations without my heart racing and telling myself that I’m wrong since I don’t agree with his or her opinion. Why would I ever want to disown the life that I was intended to live? Why would I ever think that God hates me because I am not like everyone else? How could I forget that He is on my side and that He knitted me with His own hands?
Yes, I have free will, but I’m not reckless. I am just myself. I am who I was meant to be. I am not the girl on the TV screen, I am not the straight A student in the front of the class nor am I the person I used to be who lacked substance. I am free to personalize the sand that is in my hands and have my own perspective of it. I am allowed to swim as little or as long as I would like to. I am personalized, and I will, from this day forward, use that to my advantage. My fingers are sewn shut by my own heart, my own mind, my own opinion and perspective, and I will never, ever be ashamed of that again.
