I wished that I could eat the chips and salsa and not immediately regret it. I wished that I didn’t spend time counting calories and shutting my eyes at night analyzing my food intake for the day. I wished that I didn’t beat myself up for taking a rest day from working out. I wished that I didn’t have issues with my body.
And honestly, I think a lot of people, especially girls, share my concerns.
When I was younger, I didn’t care about my physical appearance very much. I brushed my hair, threw on a t-shirt and jeans with my off-brand tennis shoes and continued on my way. I felt beautiful without makeup, fancy clothing, and a size two figure. But then I turned 15 and entered freshman year of high school. Everything changed. All of a sudden, girls and guys were looking each other up and down and seemingly judging every characteristic of one another. I felt as though I could no longer fit in my comfortable skin and be accepted. So I wanted to change. I desired to be as pretty or fashionable as the next girl. I desired to fit into a body that wasn’t mine.
This amplified even more after moving to Nashville for my freshman year of college. Nashville has a scene where many girls always have a fresh face of makeup on, even at the gym. Girls constantly have curled hair, even at an 8 a.m. class where I just wanted to throw some yoga pants on and call it a day. My insecurity with my body amplified and grew to a point where it became unbearable. I ate only salads and ran at least five miles every single day. I was shrinking into the “perfect” body size and I was learning how to dress up my hair and my face to fit in. I should have been happy, huh? My body issues disappeared, right? Actually, it was the complete opposite. I was miserable. I was exhausted. I felt so far removed from who I actually was that I couldn’t live with myself. I finally realized that I was spending all of my time working hard on something that was not fulfilling. It did not align with my values, needs or joys. I needed to change.
And I have changed, at least in a more healthy direction. I have begun to accept that I have a unique style of flannel shirts, Birkenstock sandals, and loose-fitting jeans. It’s just my homegrown Colorado culture. And that is OK. I also realized that I am terrible at curling hair and my only friend in the makeup world is mascara. And that is OK, too. When it comes to my weight and size. I am still struggling. Talking to a lot of girls, I have realized that this is a common struggle. It is still hard for me to eat a filling meal and not feel as though I gained weight and have a reason to be concerned. It is still hard for me to miss a day of working out without feeling out of control. And these are struggles that I might work through for a long time.
But I also have had a realization. When I look around at women, I find each and every one of them beautiful regardless of their shape and size. Why do I judge myself by such a different standard? With the media in our society and the “perfect” body size constantly reinforced because of this, it will take a long time for many girls, myself included, to see my body as beautiful. But I am realizing that maybe I should view myself through a different lens and recognize the beauty within me that I so easily see in everyone else.
