Why do we experience shame? It’s such a common feeling, and yet, it is hardly ever talked about. We pride people in society for having confidence, but we don’t offer the tools for people to build it. We expect women to not be ashamed of their bodies, yet we critique them at every opportunity. We expect LGBTQ+ individuals to be confident in their sexuality, yet we spread homophobic jokes without a second thought. Men feel ashamed to show human emotion. Families feel ashamed to show dysfunction. Why is there so damn much to feel ashamed about?
In a society that is so afraid to admit shame, one researcher is thankfully and gracefully talking about it. I could try to muster up a worthy introduction or I could just show you this. Brené Brown is a leading vulnerability researcher, and she believes that vulnerability and shame are directly linked. If we stopped pointing a negative spotlight on people for their differences and started focusing on our commonalities, it would be pretty clear that we all have some pretty solid, shame-killer qualities. Every human being alive experiences vulnerability. We all respond to it differently, but we all feel it. There’s this idea out there that vulnerability equals weakness, and so there’s a huge amount of shame associated with vulnerable moments when they pop up. This idea is not only ridiculous but so dangerous. If we try to avoid vulnerability, we’re also avoiding empathy and intimacy. Those things connect us. They bring us together. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this in our society, but we’re already lacking those things, and we are only pulling ourselves farther away from them. It’s a beautiful thing when you let go of shame to be vulnerable. The cool part is it makes room to let go of shame around a bunch of other things too, but, in my experience, you need to give yourself permission to be human first.
I’m not saying I’ve got this down. I still feel A LOT of shame, but not over my vulnerability. I try not to listen to the voices out there that tell me to be ashamed of things. I seek out other people who prioritize vulnerability. I do what I can to create an environment that makes me feel safe enough to unpack the rest of my shame. Let me tell you something – it’s hard, but so worth it. I think we get stuck in this shame-vulnerability cycle that perpetuates itself. The more we feel vulnerable, the more we feel ashamed. It really makes it feel like we’re balancing on a tightrope that’s way higher off the ground than it is. It’s just a simple step down, but it feels like a skyscraper. If you didn’t feel ashamed of anything, what do you think would happen? You wouldn’t be able to keep yourself in check? And what? You wouldn’t function properly? Your robot brain would malfunction? What if, God forbid, you cried unabashedly in public? Bared your soul to a complete stranger? Let yourself feel without telling yourself you can’t be strong and be hurt at the same time? What would realistically happen? People would think you’re a weirdo? You’d be judged as “too dramatic”? In the span of shitty life things, I’d say those things aren’t bad alternatives. Just saying. I’d rather have judge-y jerks label me as crazy than restrain myself every moment of my life in fear of a passing judgment from someone I’m never going to see again. That’s easier said than done, I know. Just do your old friend, Erica, a favor and watch some Brené Brown TED Talks and maybe give one of her books a read in your spare time. Remind yourself, whenever you can, that you’re NOT weak. Don’t be afraid to let the world see you feel. And let your heart steer when you can.
