1. Leave at prime time.
In order to avoid being seen, it’s important that you leave by a certain time. You want to walk home sometime between 5-7 a.m., while the frat boys are still hibernating. Any later than 7, and you better be ready for a long, slow clap as you exit the building.
2. Know your exit routes.
It’s a frat house; nowhere is safe. The most important thing to do when trying to be invisible is to avoid all common areas. This means the kitchen, main living room, study, etc. Back doors and side doors are your safest option for sneaking out of there undetected. And, if you really need to leave unseen, for reasons I won’t ask, avoid all hallways, bathrooms, and literally everywhere else. Or, play it really safe and just dive out the window (don't actually do that last one).
3. Don’t become a horror story.
We all do stupid things in college, that we look back on and are forever embarrassed about. It’s inevitable. But, if there is a time to do something embarrassing and stupid, it is not when you’re doing inappropriate things at a fraternity in the middle of the night. Making animal noises and leaving identifiable objects behind are perfect examples of how to get on the fast track to becoming that girl. Don’t do anything gross or too out of the ordinary, and do not ever spend the night if you know that you do something weird in your sleep.
4. Always grab a trophy shirt.
If you’re having a one night stand and have to shack home in the morning, then you know d*mn well you deserve some sort of compensation for the fact that you’re wearing a body-con dress, and his drunk *ss is still sleeping instead of offering to drive you home. That being said, here’s what you do:
First, ninja roll out of bed. Grab your stuff as quickly as you can, then tiptoe your way out of the room, leaving no trace of evidence that you were ever there. But make sure to snag a trophy prize on your way out.
Date dash tanks: 2 points. Rush shirts: 4 points. Camp trip sweatshirts: 7 points. Block letters: 10 points.
May the best shacker win.
5. No item left behind.
The best way to become the talk of his house for the next week is to either do something crazy weird or accidentally leave something behind. When I say leave something behind, I’m not talking about something small like chapstick. I’m talking about bras, underwear, or the shirt you went out in. While you’re trying to regain consciousness and piece together your crumbling life from the night before, remember to grab all your belongings before sneaking out. No man is worth losing 5 for $27 Victoria’s Secret lace thongs over. Just saying.
6. Always have a back up plan.
It’s Friday night, you shaved your legs, and you’re wearing the shortest skirt you own. It’s safe to assume you’re going out with the intention of probably not coming home. If that’s the case, always make a back up plan. Know which friend wakes up at 7 a.m. and which one has a car. That way, if you’re somewhere in apartment land or on the other end of Greek Row, you can call for backup.
7. How to react when someone calls you a shacker.
Someone yelling "shacker!" at you is like coming in contact with a bear. You freeze up, look right at them, and make no sudden movements until they forget you’re there.
If you’re really confident, you might smile and wave, or aggressively shove your middle finger up into the air. If you’re ashamed you might just avoid eye contact, turn really red, and run away. Either way, chances are you’re not the first girl a bunch of frat guys on a roof have shouted at that morning, so don’t be too hard on yourself.
8. Get to know the roommates.
If you’re a regular shacker, then something you might consider doing is getting to know the roommates. This way they can gradually get to know you and eventually realize that you’re actually a cool person and not just the girl who sleeps over every now and then. It’ll help them feel more at ease when bae asks them to sleep somewhere else, and it’ll help you feel less guilty about running home at the butt crack of dawn.
9. Avoid the sleeping porch.
Beware of the freshmen. They will take you back to their house and guide you into the sleeping porch, convincing you that it’s socially acceptable to hookup in there. For the love of God, do not EVER hookup on the sleeping porch. Even if you think no one is in there, there is probably someone in there, and they can hear everything. Sure, he might be just as into it as you are, but it’s still trashy and totally gross. Stick to the day rooms. Your stride of pride afterwards will make for a much smoother exit if you’re not leaving through the doors of a porch.
10. Have scripted answers.
Unless it’s your BFF, it’s always awkward having to answer the infamous question of, “Did you just shack?” You have three options when answering:
You can admit to it and deal with the gossip for a few days. You can deny, deny, deny, or come up with an excuse like staying at a live out. Your last option would be to come up with some crazy answer that just leaves them with a blank expression, and no real understanding of how to respond.
At some point, you’ll realize that it’s just better to own up to it. Rock that walk of shame and ignore the presence and opinion of anyone who disapproves. No girl needs that kind of judgmental attitude in her life.
