If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, you are not alone. Almost 25% of undergraduate females have or will be sexually assaulted. I am a part of that 25%. October 13th of 2017 started out a good day for me. I did homework, hung out with friends, and was just living my happy life as a college freshman. I had a date planned that night with a guy I had been talking to for a few weeks. If I could go back in time I would have never gone on that date. I was raped that night.
In the months after my assault, I had completely lost sight of myself. I was no longer the fun loving girl I used to be. I began shutting people out and trying to isolate myself. I saw this as a way of protecting myself but instead, I was, in fact, hurting myself even more. I had turned to drugs and alcohol as a way to numb myself from the guilt I was feeling as if it was my fault that this happened to me. I didn't tell my parents, only a few people knew. I was embarrassed. I was a victim and I was acting like it. When I finally told my mother she was heartbroken, not only over what happened, but also that I felt like I had to hide it from her. It took me finally opening up to realize that I was headed down a long dark path and I needed some help finding my way back to myself. I started going to therapy, and while I was reluctant to at first, I soon realized this was something that I needed to do. I needed help and this was the first step that had to be taken. I was suffering from severe depression and anxiety and I was not sleeping.
After attending therapy for a few months I was able to accept the fact that I was sexually assaulted and it was not my fault. I was able to see clearly that I had to find a better coping mechanism than the ones I was using. It took a long time for me to come to terms with everything but once I had my life began to get back on track. I started working harder to get my grades up after I had let them slip, I began reaching out to those I had shut out and worked to rebuild those relationships. I was not going to let my attack rule my life anymore.
It took me over a year before I was able to speak publicly about it. In a class, last semester we had an assignment and one of the requirements was to talk about some life-changing experiences we have been through. When it was my turn to present I felt as if I was going to get up in front of the class and throw up. It was not easy for me to stand up in front of a group of classmates and share my story. Once I started talking it became easier. Looking out on the faces of my audience I saw some of the reactions I had expected to see. People in shock that this could have happened to me, the quiet girl at the front of the class. But I got some unexpected reactions as well, people sharing that they've been through it too. It was during that speech that for the first time, I no longer let myself be defined as a victim. I was able to stand up and say that yes, I was raped, but there is much more to me than that.
Since giving that presentation, I have not felt the need to be ashamed of my past, instead, I have taken it as a way to learn and grow. I am able to talk to those in similar situations and be a resource for anyone struggling with the aftermath of being assaulted. I don't think my life will ever go back to the way it was before that awful night, but I am no longer headed down a bad path. I still suffer from panic attacks and nightmares about my attack, but I am blessed to have a wonderful support system.
If you or someone you know is struggling, please know that there are resources out there and I can tell you that it does get better.
National Suicide Hotline: Call 1-800-273-8255
National Sexual Assault Hotline: Call 1-800-656-4673
