An Open Letter To Boys Who Treat Girls Like Sex Objects

An Open Letter To Boys Who Treat Girls Like Sex Objects

Say it with me girls: no one has a right to my body but me.

After years of being treated like a sex object in high school and college, I've come to the sickening realization that, although boys do have to stop treating girls like sex objects, it's up to the rest of us to make it happen.

It is objectifying and wrong for boys to view girls only in terms of how they can benefit and service boys sexually. We know this. And it's safe to say that most college girls have been sexually objectified by boys multiple times throughout their lives. But how do we stop it?

Although it is entirely up to the boy, his personality, and how he treats girls, there is one way to make the blatant sexual objectification stop: we must stop enabling it.

If a boy slides in your DMs and asks to "chill," run away as fast as you can! Newsflash, girls: if he wants to "Netflix and chill," he's going to try his darndest to get in your pants. Unless meaningless hookups are your thing (you do you, girl!), do not fall into these traps where boys get you alone in their dorm room and take the chance to take advantage of you.

In my personal experience, I've seen that most college boys feel extremely entitled, as if they have a right to your body. As if, just because you came to his dorm room when he invited you, or just because he bought you dinner or alcohol, or just because he's acting like a nice guy- that he is entitled to sexual favors. That's not how consensual sex works.

HE IS NOT ENTITLED TO YOUR BODY.

It does not matter who he is. It doesn't matter if he's the guy you have a crush on, your FWB, your boyfriend, or even your fiance or husband. Regardless of your relationship with him (or lack thereof), you NEVER HAVE to give in to his sexual desires if YOU DON'T WANT TO. The only person who has the right to your body is YOU. There is no reason for you to give that up. YOU own your body, and you get to decide what to do with it.

Resist sexual pressure, when he says things like, "How am I supposed to go to work like this?" in regards to his mythical "blue balls"- which don't exist by the way. Sure, any sexual human being can get sexually excited and not have that desire satisfied. It happens all the time. It is not your job to sexually please a guy, even if you are in a committed relationship. If you don't want to do something, you don't have to do it. Period.

Don't let him pressure or guilt you into giving him a blowjob if that's not something you want to do. If he's trying to have sex with you, don't take the headache excuse cop out with a "not tonight, sweetie." You can be of perfect physical health and say no to sex. You never have to give a reason for saying no.

Even though we run the risk of being called a "prude" or a "bitch" or even a "slut" for refusing to give sexual favors to a guy, (that makes sense right? Saying no makes you a slut?) stand up for yourself. Resist rape culture.

When a boy you don't want to be sexually intimate with asks for sexual favors, or tries to cover himself by asking you to "just come over and cuddle and watch a movie" or to "help him with his homework," just say no. When boys make sexually revolting comments, suggestions, or even demands, if you're not into that, call him out on his disgusting behavior. As long as girls let boys say these things to them, the longer they will go thinking this behavior is OK, and will help them get girls.

Take Tinder for example. Both boys and girls download the app in hopes of finding nearby hookups. If you match with a boy, most likely he is going to send you some sexual, disgusting message, whether it be the first message or further along in the conversation- before you even begin to get to know this boy.

Boys in this generation think they are entitled to girls' bodies without even getting to know them first! You meet at a party, or you match on Tinder, and all of a sudden he thinks you're automatically going to sleep with him. If that's what you want to do, then, by all means, go for it girl! But this is for the girls who are turned off by such direct sexual advancement. Personally, the more obvious a guy makes it that he is talking to me just trying to get in my pants, the less likely it is I am going to take an interest in him.

So make your stance known. If he is asking for oral sex within two minutes of talking to him, take that as a sign and tell him the truth. Say it's disgusting to behave that way, and it's very disrespectful to women, and that's definitely not the way to get girls. Stand up for yourself and your fellow women: we are not sex objects. We are human beings. And if you're not going to treat me as such, you can only dream about getting with me.

Say it with me girls: no one has a right to my body but me.

Cover Image Credit: We Heart It

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My 16 problems

an outline of all the problems my so called friends have decided I have
r.b.11
r.b.11

  

My 16 problems according to my “friends”

When you become friends with someone you accept that they have flaws and they accept that you do too. The beauty of being friends though, is accepting these flaws, because you see them as a person and not a sum of their flaws. Sometimes the friendship is so strong that the flaws are forgotten, and only when a friendship is broken does one see the multitude of flaws they forgot a person has. Sometimes you see the flaws another person has, and other times someone brings your flaws to you, explaining what is “wrong” with you.

Growing up in a small town in Illinois, you get to know everyone pretty quickly. That being said, my real group of friends did not come to be fully formed until my senior year of high school. I had been friends with most of the people in the group separately for longer, but we didn’t turn into an actual group of friends until senior year. 

The first person I became friends with in the group we’ll call J. J and I met in the first grade. He lived down the street from me and we continued to be friends all the way through grade school, middle school, and high school. The next person in the group I became friends with was A. A and I were very different but became fast friends. A was very religious, and I was not. Through our school musical sophomore year we became friends, dated, broke up, became friends again, dated again, and once again broke up. A became one of my best friends and I would trust him with any secret. Next came M. M dated my sister, and once they broke up we became friends. The rest of the group consisted of AN, B, and T. I didn’t become friends with them until senior year, and did not have much history with them. 

We graduated high school in 2016, and had a great summer together, hanging out almost every night. When it became time to go to college, four stayed in Illinois, AN moved to Texas, and I went to Georgia. Our group chat kept our group strong, and we continued to talk through the first few weeks of college. We reconvened during fall break as well as winter break. Summer rolled around after freshman year and our group was as strong as ever. We hung out most days in the week, and would do almost everything together. The next term of school rolled around and we all went our separate ways once more. The activity on the group chat died down a lot, but we still talked occasionally.  I flew back for fall break, but didn’t see anyone from the group. Our schedules didn’t line up, and I was only home for a few days. I went back to Georgia and we didn’t talk much until Christmas break. 

I had been home for two days and was very bored. Everyone in the group was still out of town, and I had nothing to do. Their classes didn’t end for another few days so I was stuck. I texted A one day, who only went to college about an hour away. He drove up and we had a great day together just hanging out. The group eventually finished classes and we were finally all in town together again. We went to see the new Star Wars, we went to dinner, we played games, we were together all the time. Then New Years came.

We had a party we were going to. It was our group and another group we were also kind of friends with. We all went other than J. The party was great, and nothing too crazy happened. It was a college party so you can assume what you want about what happened. We went a few days after that and didn’t hang out. It was too cold to do anything, and most people were hanging with their family. I woke up a few days after New Years and checked the group chat. It said that I was no longer a part of the group. A few of the members were known to randomly kick people out, so I thought nothing of it. I texted M and asked him to add me back in. He added me back, and everything was fine. A few minutes later I went back onto the chat and saw that I was kicked again. I promptly got a text from M asking what I had done to piss the group off. Having not talked to the group for a few days I told him I honestly had no idea. He said he would ask, and the response he got made my heart sink.

The first thing that was said was from J to M about M adding me back. He told him “Rose is permanently done here. Do not add her back.” When M asked what I had done to make this happen the response that was given was that I was “annoying as fuck and has been a serious damper on the group.” M didn’t respond, which prompted a paragraph response by J of what all he didn’t like about me. Highlights of this paragraph include 

1. She talks about lifting too much

2. She ruins the fun for all of us

For these reasons, J, A, B, and T had decided that they were done with me.

A, my then best friend then responded saying that if I were to ask what happened to just respond saying: Strike Three. At this point, I was confused. I hadn’t said or done anything to piss of any of the members of the group. So I first texted J, my friend since the first or second grade. I asked what I had done to upset him, and said that I was sorry for whatever I had done to make him upset… His response… “Strike 3”. At this point I start getting mad. I decided to text A, who at this point I still considered my best friend. I copy and paste the paragraph of what J has decided he doesn’t like about me and sent it to A. I then follow that up by telling him: “Thanks, Thanks for not telling me that everyone including you didn’t like me. You’re a real great friend.” 

I will admit that that was a tad dramatic, but at this point I’m pissed. I don’t know if you’ve ever been called a burden before, but it doesn’t really boost your confidence. He opens the message, and doesn’t respond. Eventually he sends me back a few words, telling me that he can’t explain himself over text. I tell A that I leave the next day to go back to Georgia so he either needs to call me or do it in person. 

At this point, the only people I’m still talking to from the group are AN and M. They were talking in the group about how unfair this was and how I shouldn’t have been kicked out. As they’re petitioning for me to get re added to the group I’m sitting at home by myself deciding that I don’t want to be back in the group because they aren’t obviously my friends. Then A calls.

It’s a 19 minute conversation. Throughout those 19 minutes, I say less than 20 words. He starts by informing me that it is his time to talk and that I am to listen to what he has to say. So being the salty person I am, I grab a pen and a piece of paper. I decide to notate his tangent, so that when he tries to claim later that he didn’t say these things I will have proof that he did. Through this 19 minute conversation, I am enlightened to all the “flaws” that I have. 

I sat through a 19 minute rant of everything that A thinks is wrong with me. That was probably the worst and most heartbreaking thing I have ever listened to in my life. I had to sit through almost 20 minutes of my best friend telling me what is supposedly wrong with me, and what I need to be doing with my life. Through this conversation I found 16 problems that I supposedly have. Now some of these are not problems, but more rules that A has set for me. (Because apparently friends get to now set rules for each other) 

Here is the list I had to sit through. Imagine your best friends saying these things to you, and how that would make you feel.

1. I do not have respect for myself

2. I do not have respect for others

3. I enjoy being treated like trash

4. I talk about my old boyfriends

5. I talk to my old boyfriends 

6. He believes that I kissed a person that I didn’t ( apparently that’s a problem)

7. I got mad at A when he tried to say rude things to me on new years (apparently I can’t get mad at people)

8. I talk to AN too much

9. I talk and hang out with M too much

10. I do not take the proper steps to make boys stop talking to me and stop paying attention to me

11. I am no longer around to hang around A (Yah that’s right, he has decided that I am no longer allowed to hang out with one of the other people in the group)

12. I am no longer allowed around alcohol (A doesn’t drink, so he has therefore decided that I am no longer around alcohol, even though AN and B drink much more frequently than I do)

13. I am unfair to A

14. I am attention seeking

15. I do not take steps to avoid wrong things (yes that was the amount of detail he went into…. Wrong things…)

16. I need to admit that I enjoy attention.

These are the 16 things that are supposedly wrong with me. After he is done with his rant, I hang up so that A doesn’t hear me cry because of all the awful things he has said about me. I do not talk to any of them other than AN and M for a few days. I get back to school and start unpacking. My phone rings. It’s A calling me. Stupidly I answer. He proceeds to apologize for everything he says said. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a very proud person. If I am your friend I will defend you against anyone and anything. However, if you do something to seriously cross me, you’re out of my life. After his apology I inform him that was he did hurt me. I tell him all the advice I was given. I was told to ignore him until I had made my own 19 minute rant of all the problems I have with him and then list them off to him. I tell him that I refuse to do that to someone, because I know how shitty that is to do to someone. I hang up on him.

I don’t talk to any of them for three weeks. Today I get out of class and see that I was re added to the chat. They added me back to the chat with all of the messages talking bad about me are still present. I scroll through pages and pages and hours of conversations about me and how much of a terrible person I am. I learn that M, who said he was my friend and was telling them how wrong they were was lying, and was actually agreeing with them about how much a terrible person I am. 

Through scrolling through these messages for hours I see what they can do to someone. I decided to write this so that others can read it. I don’t expect the people in the story to read this, but if they do I hope they see that I decided to not use names. I decided to keep their identities private. I did not spread nasty things about them because I know what that can do to someone, and will not stoop to the level they did. 

If they do read this, there is one thing I want them to know: I do not accept your apology. Not now and possibly not ever. What you did was wrong, but I will not tell you your flaws or problems I have with you, because you were at one point my friend, and no one deserves to be put down in the way that you put me down.

  

My 16 problems according to my “friends”

When you become friends with someone you accept that they have flaws and they accept that you do too. The beauty of being friends though, is accepting these flaws, because you see them as a person and not a sum of their flaws. Sometimes the friendship is so strong that the flaws are forgotten, and only when a friendship is broken does one see the multitude of flaws they forgot a person has. Sometimes you see the flaws another person has, and other times someone brings your flaws to you, explaining what is “wrong” with you.

Growing up in a small town in Illinois, you get to know everyone pretty quickly. That being said, my real group of friends did not come to be fully formed until my senior year of high school. I had been friends with most of the people in the group separately for longer, but we didn’t turn into an actual group of friends until senior year. 

The first person I became friends with in the group we’ll call J. J and I met in the first grade. He lived down the street from me and we continued to be friends all the way through grade school, middle school, and high school. The next person in the group I became friends with was A. A and I were very different but became fast friends. A was very religious, and I was not. Through our school musical sophomore year we became friends, dated, broke up, became friends again, dated again, and once again broke up. A became one of my best friends and I would trust him with any secret. Next came M. M dated my sister, and once they broke up we became friends. The rest of the group consisted of AN, B, and T. I didn’t become friends with them until senior year, and did not have much history with them. 

We graduated high school in 2016, and had a great summer together, hanging out almost every night. When it became time to go to college, four stayed in Illinois, AN moved to Texas, and I went to Georgia. Our group chat kept our group strong, and we continued to talk through the first few weeks of college. We reconvened during fall break as well as winter break. Summer rolled around after freshman year and our group was as strong as ever. We hung out most days in the week, and would do almost everything together. The next term of school rolled around and we all went our separate ways once more. The activity on the group chat died down a lot, but we still talked occasionally.  I flew back for fall break, but didn’t see anyone from the group. Our schedules didn’t line up, and I was only home for a few days. I went back to Georgia and we didn’t talk much until Christmas break. 

I had been home for two days and was very bored. Everyone in the group was still out of town, and I had nothing to do. Their classes didn’t end for another few days so I was stuck. I texted A one day, who only went to college about an hour away. He drove up and we had a great day together just hanging out. The group eventually finished classes and we were finally all in town together again. We went to see the new Star Wars, we went to dinner, we played games, we were together all the time. Then New Years came.

We had a party we were going to. It was our group and another group we were also kind of friends with. We all went other than J. The party was great, and nothing too crazy happened. It was a college party so you can assume what you want about what happened. We went a few days after that and didn’t hang out. It was too cold to do anything, and most people were hanging with their family. I woke up a few days after New Years and checked the group chat. It said that I was no longer a part of the group. A few of the members were known to randomly kick people out, so I thought nothing of it. I texted M and asked him to add me back in. He added me back, and everything was fine. A few minutes later I went back onto the chat and saw that I was kicked again. I promptly got a text from M asking what I had done to piss the group off. Having not talked to the group for a few days I told him I honestly had no idea. He said he would ask, and the response he got made my heart sink.

The first thing that was said was from J to M about M adding me back. He told him “Rose is permanently done here. Do not add her back.” When M asked what I had done to make this happen the response that was given was that I was “annoying as fuck and has been a serious damper on the group.” M didn’t respond, which prompted a paragraph response by J of what all he didn’t like about me. Highlights of this paragraph include 

1. She talks about lifting too much

2. She ruins the fun for all of us

For these reasons, J, A, B, and T had decided that they were done with me.

A, my then best friend then responded saying that if I were to ask what happened to just respond saying: Strike Three. At this point, I was confused. I hadn’t said or done anything to piss of any of the members of the group. So I first texted J, my friend since the first or second grade. I asked what I had done to upset him, and said that I was sorry for whatever I had done to make him upset… His response… “Strike 3”. At this point I start getting mad. I decided to text A, who at this point I still considered my best friend. I copy and paste the paragraph of what J has decided he doesn’t like about me and sent it to A. I then follow that up by telling him: “Thanks, Thanks for not telling me that everyone including you didn’t like me. You’re a real great friend.” 

I will admit that that was a tad dramatic, but at this point I’m pissed. I don’t know if you’ve ever been called a burden before, but it doesn’t really boost your confidence. He opens the message, and doesn’t respond. Eventually he sends me back a few words, telling me that he can’t explain himself over text. I tell A that I leave the next day to go back to Georgia so he either needs to call me or do it in person. 

At this point, the only people I’m still talking to from the group are AN and M. They were talking in the group about how unfair this was and how I shouldn’t have been kicked out. As they’re petitioning for me to get re added to the group I’m sitting at home by myself deciding that I don’t want to be back in the group because they aren’t obviously my friends. Then A calls.

It’s a 19 minute conversation. Throughout those 19 minutes, I say less than 20 words. He starts by informing me that it is his time to talk and that I am to listen to what he has to say. So being the salty person I am, I grab a pen and a piece of paper. I decide to notate his tangent, so that when he tries to claim later that he didn’t say these things I will have proof that he did. Through this 19 minute conversation, I am enlightened to all the “flaws” that I have. 

I sat through a 19 minute rant of everything that A thinks is wrong with me. That was probably the worst and most heartbreaking thing I have ever listened to in my life. I had to sit through almost 20 minutes of my best friend telling me what is supposedly wrong with me, and what I need to be doing with my life. Through this conversation I found 16 problems that I supposedly have. Now some of these are not problems, but more rules that A has set for me. (Because apparently friends get to now set rules for each other) 

Here is the list I had to sit through. Imagine your best friends saying these things to you, and how that would make you feel.

1. I do not have respect for myself

2. I do not have respect for others

3. I enjoy being treated like trash

4. I talk about my old boyfriends

5. I talk to my old boyfriends 

6. He believes that I kissed a person that I didn’t ( apparently that’s a problem)

7. I got mad at A when he tried to say rude things to me on new years (apparently I can’t get mad at people)

8. I talk to AN too much

9. I talk and hang out with M too much

10. I do not take the proper steps to make boys stop talking to me and stop paying attention to me

11. I am no longer around to hang around A (Yah that’s right, he has decided that I am no longer allowed to hang out with one of the other people in the group)

12. I am no longer allowed around alcohol (A doesn’t drink, so he has therefore decided that I am no longer around alcohol, even though AN and B drink much more frequently than I do)

13. I am unfair to A

14. I am attention seeking

15. I do not take steps to avoid wrong things (yes that was the amount of detail he went into…. Wrong things…)

16. I need to admit that I enjoy attention.

These are the 16 things that are supposedly wrong with me. After he is done with his rant, I hang up so that A doesn’t hear me cry because of all the awful things he has said about me. I do not talk to any of them other than AN and M for a few days. I get back to school and start unpacking. My phone rings. It’s A calling me. Stupidly I answer. He proceeds to apologize for everything he says said. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a very proud person. If I am your friend I will defend you against anyone and anything. However, if you do something to seriously cross me, you’re out of my life. After his apology I inform him that was he did hurt me. I tell him all the advice I was given. I was told to ignore him until I had made my own 19 minute rant of all the problems I have with him and then list them off to him. I tell him that I refuse to do that to someone, because I know how shitty that is to do to someone. I hang up on him.

I don’t talk to any of them for three weeks. Today I get out of class and see that I was re added to the chat. They added me back to the chat with all of the messages talking bad about me are still present. I scroll through pages and pages and hours of conversations about me and how much of a terrible person I am. I learn that M, who said he was my friend and was telling them how wrong they were was lying, and was actually agreeing with them about how much a terrible person I am. 

Through scrolling through these messages for hours I see what they can do to someone. I decided to write this so that others can read it. I don’t expect the people in the story to read this, but if they do I hope they see that I decided to not use names. I decided to keep their identities private. I did not spread nasty things about them because I know what that can do to someone, and will not stoop to the level they did. 

If they do read this, there is one thing I want them to know: I do not accept your apology. Not now and possibly not ever. What you did was wrong, but I will not tell you your flaws or problems I have with you, because you were at one point my friend, and no one deserves to be put down in the way that you put me down.

r.b.11
r.b.11

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To My Ex

Thank You For What You Taught Me

Thank you for showing me what love is not. No I do not hate you, in fact I am glad you came into my life because you taught me a lot. We all have to love and get hurt, or how else would we learn what we want? How would we learn what qualities we want in a partner? Sure there are other influences that help us make those choices but what better way than to learn on our own.

Sure, there are going to be regrets on who you date and I am sure some people will regret dating you too, it is all a cycle. But you have to date people like that in order to know that they are not the kind of person you want or should be with. And in the end, it is going to make that right person that much better and you will appreciate them so much more.

Honestly, just go on that date, who cares! Better to give it a shot and see if it is what you want or if it is not, than to just wonder. You might be missing out on the best person, but you could also really be dodging a bullet, who knows until you try.

Yes, there are going to be things that make you angry or upset that an ex has done to you, but did it not show you what you want or do not want in your life? I guarantee you it did. You can "hate" or dislike an ex all you want, but they did you a favor, they gave you a leg up on knowing what you want.

If I were to go back and do it all over again, there are very few things that I would change. It made me who I am and showed me what I want my life to be like and who I want in it. Thanks for making me stronger and more confident, because I would not be me without the people in my past who shaped me to be this way.

Your ex's will teach you what love you want in your life, and what love you do not want in your life. They are just another person in your life that will help you along your way, whether or not you see it in the moment, you will see it down the road. The good and bad times, the love and the hurt, will all lead you down your path, wherever that is meant to lead.

All I can do is thank you for what you did for me, all the bad and all the good. Because now I know. I know what love I deserve. I know what love I want. I know what love is and what it is not. Thank you for teaching me so much even when sometimes it hurt like hell. Thank you for eventually leading me to my future, wherever that might be.

Cover Image Credit: Google

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