"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.'"
Matthew 18:21-22
Think about the last time someone hurt you. It's never fun to admit that someone was able to get to you under your carefully placed emotional armor, but it happens to all of us. Now consider how you view that person now - did you forgive and forget? Did you decide you're better off without them and just move on with your life? It's true, you should definitely continue moving forward with your life regardless of the actions of others. But maybe you missed out on the healing that comes from truly engaging the problem and working through your own emotions. Society today has really embraced the fact that letting go of grudges and anger helps you even more than it helps the person the emotions are directed against, but I think this concept is often taken too far. When advice articles tell you to forgive someone, it's usually more of a dismissive action - kick the person out of your life, never think about them and don't let yourself be upset about what happened. It's in the past, so be a strong, independent millennial and move on.
What we often forget is that forgiving people is one of the most beautiful things we can do as human beings. It's not just a matter of letting go of what happened - it's fully acknowledging what the other person has done, dealing with your own emotions caused by the situation and still deciding to extend grace. We shouldn't simplify forgiveness or pretend it's easy, as if just refusing to think about someone will solve our problems. What if you see this person in class every day, or what if they are a member of your own family? Sometimes, the person we forgive will keep showing up in our lives even if we try to avoid them. Forgiveness is more than getting rid of the memory of what someone did to you, because honestly, that might be a process that takes months or even years. If you aim to let go, forgive and forget, and move on with your life, you may miss the healing that comes with working through the problem. If you think you forgave someone but still constantly make negative and critical comments about them when talking to your friends, then this may be an issue you still need to deal with. This often takes me by surprise; I'll think I've dealt with an issue, but when I hear something about the person who I supposedly forgave, my attitude is automatically sarcastic and negative. This alerts me to the fact that I still have a lot of work to do in freeing myself and the other person from this situation, and it also gives me the opportunity to keep learning about myself and working through my own thoughts and emotions.
People sometimes even use forgiveness as a sort of insult - as if by forgiving someone they belittle or patronize them. In fact, true forgiveness doesn't seek to harm or manipulate its object - it wants to see the offender justly convicted while also giving them an offer of redemption. Here's the most important thing about human forgiveness: it's a picture of what Christ did for all mankind when he died for our sins. Jesus saw all our ugliness, and we hurt him constantly by our denial and rebellion, yet he still extends grace and he suffered in order to make salvation available to us. We in no way deserved it and can never repay this sacrifice. But while we're here on earth, why would we withhold even the small fraction of grace we can extend to others? Forgiveness recognizes the humanity and worth of others, as we realize that everyone is flawed but still made in the image of God. God is just - He doesn't allow injustice and evil to go unpunished. But neither is justice ours to serve; it is God's prerogative and sometimes we don't have the right to condemn our enemies. The federal justice system is established for a reason, but often the circumstances we need to forgive are small personal offenses that we let grow into bigger problems.
The next time you feel hurt or offended, take a look at the situation and decide what action it merits. Sometimes, as much as you want the other person to recognize that they hurt you, confrontation isn't even necessary. If you know they didn't purposely hurt you and their actions really won't have a major impact on your life, maybe it's just your pride that is wounded and confrontation would only ruin your relationship with them. On the other hand, you should never be afraid to stand up for yourself in a way that shows respect to others yet reaffirms your dignity as God's child. Your Creator doesn't want you to stay in situations where you are continually hurt or abused, and sometimes forgiveness involves first removing yourself from the reach of the offender. Turn the other cheek, forgive generously, but remember how much you are worth in God's eyes and do not let someone continue to damage your life. If someone continually abuses the grace you show towards them, they are distracting you from the joy of living life passionately for Christ. Surround yourself with people who encourage you to be whole and fully focused on God's guidance.
Forgiveness offers freedom because it allows you to open your heart again and experience the joy of human relationships. Life is meant to be lived in community, and even though our interactions with other people can hurt us, they also bring so much joy and meaning to our lives. Extend grace to others and be thankful when people extend it to you and live confidently because you know that God has ultimate control of every situation.
