There are few things that define the way we perceive the world that carry as much weight as the words and phrases used by those that raised us. From a young, impressionable age, the words of wisdom and warning bestowed upon us by our elders mold not only our perspectives, but our own behaviors and subconscious patterns as well. Maybe, especially as black people, this is a part of our cultural experience that isn’t looked into as thoroughly as it should be, especially given the fact that upon further investigation into my own upbringing in juxtaposition to that of my peers, I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s some ancient, esoteric sacred text about black parenthood that has successfully been passed around through the generations, hidden from the outside world, eluding even the most perceptive of us until we’ve ourselves achieved the rites of passage to be able to immortalize ourselves amongst the pantheon of stereotypical black ancestors.
1. “I want you in the house when the lights come on. Not ten minutes after. Not five minutes after."
Used by: Mom or Grandma, depending on the situation.
Knowing you were going to want to go out later, you got home and immediately finished all of your homework. Afterwards, you halfway-cleaned your room, throwing most things either in the closet or under the bed, content that the illusion of a clean room will suffice for the time being. After not being a nuisance all day, you nervously knocked on your female guardian’s bedroom door to ask permission to go out, only to find her wearing a bathrobe, rollers in her hair, and a slightly annoyed disposition. You feel relieved when she uses the phrase enumerated above, and quickly leave the house before she changes her mind.
2. “Uh-uh, you’re not about to be comin’ in my house all hours of the night.”
Used by: the same person who issued curfew in the previous situation.
Inevitably, you screwed up and lost track of time, and as the sun flickered its last rays of light before turning in, you rushed toward your bike and peddled home as quickly as possible. However, it was too late, and two minutes before your arrival home, the streetlights came on. You let your bike fall, just short of the garage, as you jump off and run into the house, hoping to get in before she notices that the streetlights are illuminated. Too little; too late. She’s sitting on the couch with the lamp on, reading either a Bible or a Jet magazine, same bathrobe, same rollers in her hair, same ashy feet, same annoyed disposition. Your heart drops.
3. “Y’all ain’t ‘bout to keep running in and out my house, now. You better pick one. In or out?”
Used by: that one aunty that really doesn’t like kids, yet somehow manages to always host events and holidays at her house. Ironically, this is usually the same aunty who’s single/divorced, and/or always makes the driest chicken, which your mom forces you to eat to be polite.
Black holidays usually go as such that the kids’ and adult tables are separate. The adults normally eat, drink wine, and get into heated discussions conversing about the same things they talk about every single year, which are politics, Obama, and the football game, naturally. The kids, not skilled as of yet in the art of pointless, cyclical conversation, require more active engagement, setting the stage for the eventual use of this quote. Bonus points are in order if somebody ends up crying in the process of the mischief that ensues before this quote is utilized.
4. “Uh oh, boooahh, what you know about this?”
Used by: that one old-ish great uncle that literally uses this phrase every time you play something dance-worthy at the cookout.
At this point, you’ve been to enough family gatherings to know that Frankie Beverly, Kool and the Gang, and the “Electric Slide” song are going to be played at every function. At twenty years old, you aren’t new to Marvin Gaye or Luther Vandross, and yet every time you’re on auxiliary cord duty your older family members want to act surprised when you bring the Yamz, especially said uncle, who always has a little too much to drink and cuts loose with that tired little two-step and snap combination.
5. “Boah, I know you ain’t still in there usin’ up all my hot water like you pay bills here!”
Used by: Dad or Grandpa, in combination with the action of banging on the bathroom door like the police.
This phrase in particular is more specifically targeted toward people that have made a habit out of taking long showers. Especially if you’ve grown up in a crowded house or if you’ve ever had to share a room with siblings, you probably figured at this point that one of the most peaceful places of refuge in the house is the shower. After a long day, there’s nothing like a long, hot shower to rinse all of the daily stresses away, temporarily drowning out all of the noise and hustle of the outside world. You turn the water on, let the mirrors fog up, and let the hot water run over your hair and open your pores. After lathering up and rinsing off, you have it in your mind that you’ll sit and enjoy the water for just a while longer… And then, seemingly out of nowhere, somebody beats on the door like they’re issuing you with a warrant. It’s a sad existence.
6. “And you better stop cryin’ before I give you something to cry about.”
Used by: Mom, fresh after giving you something to cry about.
The irony of this phrase is usually captured in how it’s been presented. After you’ve screwed up to the point of having to be “encouraged” with the threat of corporal punishment, after you’ve apologized and pleaded against a “whooping,” while simultaneously backing yourself into a corner, after blocking enough lashes of the belt to prompt mom’s iconic “move your hands…” line, you’ve finally been spanked to the point of tears. So you’ve learned your lesson, right? Wrong. Lord forbid you cry. Even though the belt was going to keep coming until the tears presented themselves, Lord forbid you don’t fix your face or suck in your bottom lip in a timely fashion. Then the trouble’s just started.
7. “What you need to be doing is [Insert either religious or academic activity here].”
Used by: Mom, who isn’t on the way to bible study anytime soon.
Never mind that despite being twenty years older than you, you and your mother have the same taste in rap music. Never mind that she knows the lyrics to the songs on the radio better than you do. Never mind that despite being old enough to get into the club, you dread the very real possibility of running into your mother and her friends there. Let her hear you reciting the lyrics to “Big Pimpin.’” “Boy, you need to be pimpin’ some textbooks!” Let her catch you rapping along to that Trick Daddy when you think nobody’s around. “Boy, you need to be thuggin’ for Jesus!” The possibilities are endless.
