Sometimes, the hardest thing for me to do, is to care for a person without any guarantee of getting something out of it. This may seem like an odd problem, as a lot of adult situations require sacrifice and the like. For me though and where I’ve been, I grew up thinking that all love is an earned emotion where one performs and in turn is rewarded with love, or left in the dark. It's one of those things that you don’t even notice until it happens to you, or from you.

Let me give you some context.

Once, I met an amazing person. They changed my perspective on life and brought many smiles and laughs. After some great conversations with this young lady, I decided that I wanted something deeper. I boldly approached the stand and queried about the possibility of romantic relations and confidently confessed that I was feeling googly-eyed about her.

Due to some circumstances, she was unable to accept my amorous advances. We both expressed mutual feelings but understood that some things are just more important.

I was awestruck by this woman’s ability to make me feel secure and I didn’t feel the need to earn anything from her. She freely gave me her friendship, and genuinely enjoyed my company.

After the aforementioned conversation, we still remained in contact, but I felt this pull to run. This desire to cut ties and have nothing to do with the friendship.

Why? Why would I feel this way? She's freaking awesome.

I began to realize that not only did I feel the need for myself to earn love, but I realized that in romantic relationships, on some level I felt that if I was unable to get what I desired out of it, I had failed. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t “_______” (fill in the blank).

Yup. Classic taking it personally when it's not personal at all.

So I’ve had to grow up and realize the truth that I was making it all about me.

Crap.

This is a dangerous game. Forget about the sappy love stories or endless romantic Instagram posts. You can’t love someone while thinking of yourself first. Not so much thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less. Love comes from a heart of service.

Wait, so I have to serve her, even though she won’t date me?

Dang introspective me, you push a hard bargain, but you're right.

If I truly care for her, I need to serve her and help her grow without any promise of getting anything back, how ever that looks for her. It's difficult for me, and I would imagine for many people today, to selflessly love someone you desire to know intimately; but isn’t that what real love looks like?

So whatever happened? Well, I suppose that's another topic for another day.