Senioritis is real, and I’m coming down with a seemingly incurable case. It’s the middle of my final semester of college and my mantra has been “C’s get degrees!” every time I walk into class having not done the reading or the homework. I’m the driver of the struggle bus and all of my fellow seniors are riding with me with wine in one hand and a pillow clutched desperately in the other.
When I entered college I was a bright, peppy, and excited girl who was ready for the next phase in her life. I bought individual binders for my classes, plugged my schedule into my phone, set alarms for an hour and a half before my first class, and I made sure to look my best every day. Now, I write notes in whatever notebook ended up in my bag that morning, have my schedule memorized because of my familiarity with the campus, hit snooze on my alarms that are supposed to wake me up forty five minutes before class begins, and it’s a rare day to find me in a cute shirt and makeup on my face. It’s not that I’ve given up, per se, I’ve just accepted that as long as I show up to class, I’m doing alright. Now, some days you’ll catch me wearing some stylish ensemble and wearing makeup that I woke up an extra thirty minutes to apply, but for the most part it’s my bare face, my messy bun (and not the cute kind. Think Miss Trunchbull from Matilda.), my leggings, and my hoodie.
I am excited to graduate, I truly am, but having been in college for five years now, I feel like I’m clawing towards that light at the end of the tunnel with my finals courses heavily chained to my ankle while simultaneously clutching on to my friends and hissing at the uncertain future like a feral cat backed into a corner. It’s a strange place to be, and it’s exhausting. I’m both wanting to hit the ground running and run backwards screaming that I’m not ready to be a real adult. All the while, I have proposals to write and lines to memorize and projects to actually start at a reasonable time. How can I get all of this done when I’m having an existential crisis?!
People graduate all the time. I watch friends graduate every year and, according to their Facebooks, they’re doing just fine. I know I’ll probably be fine too, but the “what if” of it all becomes a bigger and bigger question at the back of my mind as midterms approach, caps and gowns get purchased, letters get sent out letting you know you get to graduate with a fancy medal (I managed to achieve Cum Laude status!), and final performances draw closer. What if I don’t get a job? What if no casting director will hire me? What if I never get to use my BFA in Theatre? What if after all the struggles, tears, money, and work I never get to do what I dreamed of? These questions haunt me often, and I have to push them down into a little box in my mind and pile positive thoughts on top to keep them from getting out. Some days it works, other days, well, I’m sent into a blind panic. But luckily I have a good support system, so I know I don’t have to go through this alone.
As I write this, I am reflecting on my college career and all that happened in those five short years. There was a great deal of tears, angst, hurt, loneliness, self-doubt, failure, and distress. There was also so much laughter, smiles, victories, progress, discovery, love, and pure joy. Both have given me so much and I’m such a different person than I was back in 2012.
I know it’s going to be scary, and maybe part of my Senioritis stems from the fact that I’m afraid of what’s coming next. However, what ever may come after I done my cap and gown and leave Valdosta State to face the world, I think I can do it. And to any other people graduating soon, you can to.
Just, let me get through these classes first. Then I’ll be amazing.
