As a graduate fresh out of college, I have been spending a disproportionate amount of my time discussing with people what I am doing next in life. When I reveal that I am blessed to have the opportunity to serve as a missionary abroad in Africa, I then must answer the thorny question: “Why?” Thus, since graduating, I have been developing my skills at artfully dodging inquiries and having to attend to vague but very pressing tasks elsewhere. However, were I compelled to answer, the following is what I would say.

It’s complicated.

It would feel incredible to say unequivocally that my motivation is purely about doing God’s work and loving other people. It would be great to say with utter confidence “God told me to.” or “I just want to help people.” These things are true in part, but it would be a lie to lay claim to such clear and clean desires. As much as I want to be selfless, in all honesty I am not. My decision to serve as a missionary is as much fueled by a hope of adventure and excitement as it is by altruism. I want to do this for me because I will enjoy it and because it will be meaningful to me. So the question remains. Am I selfless or selfish? And what is it about missionary work that demands such purity in it motives?

The reason that the question of motivation is such a huge problem is ultimately financial. The majority of missionaries fund their work by donation. Now, I have heard many different viewpoints on this system. Some people have responded to the subject with indignation: “Why should I pay for a vacation for you?” Others have been extremely supportive: “It’s good work you’re doing, and I want to help it continue.” However, the heart of the matter was revealed to me by a family member: “If [missionary service] is so important to you, why aren’t you willing to work a real job to pay for it?”

Ouch. It would not be so hard to hear if I could shout back with righteous fury about my terrible day job that was helping to fund my trip, but I do not have such a job. Furthermore, there is hesitation when I ask myself whether I would work a year in a job I hate in order to pay for three months of missionary work. This is why my motivation is so concerning. If I was truly selfless, I would be willing to sacrifice the year. If I am only self-centered, my crime is made heinous because I am using God and suffering people as a mask.

Following the recommendation of a friend, I reread "The Weight of Glory" by C.S. Lewis. Among the many insights is a particularly good discussion on the motivations behind people’s actions. Lewis begins by declaring that many Christians have substituted the quality of unselfishness for loving others. These are not the same, and a “… negative term has been substituted for a positive….” By choosing to focus on denying good for ourselves rather than on performing it for others, we slowly freeze our ability to accomplish anything lest it be too much for our betterment.

Lewis goes on to explain later that such a concern is only applicable if the reward of our work is not its “natural reward." So, to borrow an example from Lewis, it is not selfish for one person to marry another if the desire to do so is rooted in their love. Marriage is a natural reward of love. However, we all agree that it is self-centered greed that motivates a desire to marry for the sake of obtaining your spouse’s money. This is because material gain is not a natural reward of love or of marriage. The point is that many good and loving actions come with rewards naturally, but we do not cease to love others because we also look forward to these benefits.

Where does that leave me? If the things that I eagerly anticipate about my service, adventure, purpose, community are natural rewards, then I am in no danger of being selfish. Yet how can I know for sure that they are, in fact, natural rewards? Lewis has something further to add. Imagine a student learning Greek. One day they will be able to enjoy a natural reward of their labor and experience Greek poetry. However, at this time, the beginning student cannot know the joy of this reward and thus cannot anticipate it in order to motivate themselves. Rather “He has to begin by working for marks, or to escape punishment, or to please his parents, or, at best, in the hope of a future good which he cannot at present imagine or desire. His position, therefore, bears a certain resemblance to that of the mercenary; the reward he is going to get will, in actual fact, be a natural or proper reward, but he will not know that till he has got it. Of course, he gets it gradually; enjoyment creeps in upon the mere drudgery, and nobody could point to a day or an hour when the one ceased and the other began.”

I now arrive at my final conclusion. This is good work, God’s work, that I will be doing. Right now, my heart may be wicked and desire its own gain from my service. However, it is still good work that I will be doing. If others believe that my service will accomplish something worthy of investing in, I will accept their aid with joy and thanksgiving, but I will not accept it with guilt or fear. I am sinful now, but if I ask God, He will work to change my heart so that my motivation is pure. So I will pray and seek this personal growth, but in the meantime, there are needs to be met. I am willing that God might use me to meet them, and I will go.