I grew up in Asia, so I’ve never celebrated Thanksgiving, and neither has my family. I didn’t have any special plans for this break. In fact, I was kind of dreading the Thanksgiving weekend because I knew all my friends would be going home, while I was a little (9,300 miles) too far for a 5-day trip.

I’m in a new ecosystem, a new country, new people. This was all very exciting the first couple months, but I soon started to really miss being around people who I’ve known for a long time, who I’ve grown with, and who I feel secure with. I could be surrounded by people who care - who are new in my life, but still had love to offer - and still feel incredibly distant. Thanksgiving seemed to amplify all of this.

The truth is, I'm afraid of being alone. And I had been so focused on avoiding the loneliness since I got here that I let it build until I spiraled into an overwhelming darkness.

And in all of this, I had to relearn to love myself.

Because if I can love myself, then I am never truly alone, and I have nothing to fear. I had to accept that it sucked now, but also understand that it will get better as I grow my roots here.

Self-love is unique to every individual. Life is about figuring out what works best for us in taking care of ourselves. There will be a time where I will go through this again. I’ll have to shed some more skin, rebuild the cocoon.

And when that happens, I will have to relearn what I’ve learned here, and add to it.

This video was inspired by Anna Akana’s video “How To Put On Your Face."