It’s been said that we perceive ourselves to be vastly superior, both physically and mentally than we actually are. Maintaining a distorted perspective (while your prerogative entirely) can keep you from perceiving yourself the way the world sees you, and as you know, the opinion of the majority matters more than yours, even if you are in fact the inhabitant of your mind and body. Your sanity holds little value compared to the liberty and right of others to be able to contribute their unsolicited two cents. Don’t be rude and take the change.

1. Hating yourself keeps your pockets full.

Ever wake up distinctly chipper and positive about life? You’re plowing through the day’s usual tasks, thriving in social interactions and somehow manage to make plans for the evening. The only daunting negative factor happens to be your lack of appropriate clothing for such an unprecedented occasion as a night out on the town with the girls. You visit your local department store and leerily begin to scan through strappy dresses against your better judgement. Upon finding one to your liking you make your way to the fitting room only to find Shamu awaiting in the mirror’s reflection. Suddenly, you remember you still have a pressing commitment to watch the last three episodes of Shameless, end up putting the dress back and declining your invitation. By keeping up this regimen of trusting your insecurities and retreating safely to your comfort zone, you avoid unnecessary costly activity and will eventually be able to upgrade to the ultra HD option on Netflix for $11.99 a month. I don’t have any credentials in either finances or advising but my cousin is a doorman at a bank so you can trust me on this. Signed - your friendly neighborhood savings guru.

2. Finding yourself disgusting is 100% effective in preventing sexually transmitted disease.

Today’s the day you’ve decided that you’re going to finally shack up with the mail guy in payment posting. He’s dropped all the signs to indicate he wants you badder than you want contentment and emotional stability on a regular day. After going through all the boring, evasive small talk and pleasantries, your special night has arrived. He’s on your couch ignoring the lingering smell of cat urine and pretending the frequent streaming interruptions from the neighbors weak signaling Wi-Fi isn’t annoying. In the bathroom, where you’ve gone for a quick second to spruce up, you freshly observe the gargantuan zit protruding from in between your brows. Now at this point you can choose to pop it, defeat the anxiety with rationale and get back out there, or you can yell through the comfort of a closed door that the food truck gyros you had for dinner earlier are going straight through you. It is worth noting that option 2 eliminates the chance of potential facial scarring. You're welcome.

3. Deeming yourself unworthy of basic human regard will provide ample friendships of the shitty variety, but you won’t be lonely so it’s cool.

It’s $5 Movie Tuesday Night and for the third time this month, you’ve been stood up by your neighbor/pal Shelly. When asked for an excuse as to why she couldn’t text you back to let you know she wasn’t up to it, she responded with, “I ran out of milk and eggs so had to drive to Kroger in a thunderstorm.” But the nearest Kroger is an hour and half away and you've coincidentally received this message while standing in the market across the street from where she lives. It also didn’t rain today. At this point you can do one of two things: tell Shelly to get wrecked and that you’re done with her shit, or you can let it go unnoticed and ask her again next Tuesday. Considering how lucky you are to even have a sentient pal to begin with, you opt to remain a docile pushover. Because when you choose to always look at (imagine) the bright side, it starts to rain friends. Three cheers for mediocre companionship.

4. A healthy dose of daily self doubt keeps you from experiencing the pain of failing.

At work there’s an open position for manager of your department. Being as though you’ve been there the longest, are objectively the most knowledgeable about the tasks at hand, and you’ve shown you’re seeking advancement by taking laborious initiative many a time, the job is all but yours. You confidently set aside time to march directly up to the HR guy and discuss moving forward, when you’re greeted by a prospective new employee here to interview. Gretchen, the bubbly size 0 with perky boobs who’s graduated top of her two member class at the University of Kaplan has coincidentally come to apply for your coveted managerial role. Do I even have to finish this one? I mean how can you even compare not having ever finished college? Could YOU ever have the guts to dye your hair platinum blonde like that? She doesn’t even care that her roots are showing. That’s the kind of courage you’ll never have. It’s time to cower away to your cubicle. And when you do, don’t look back because it isn’t healthy to dwell on missed opportunities.

5. Self-loathers intrinsically gravitate a little faster toward death than others, making us fearless which means we’re basically invincible.

Whether it be smoking or developing a habit of finishing bottles of vodka at one per two day rate, we’re all engaging in some form of gradual self-destruction. As teenagers we went for a more literal interpretation of self harm, but now we are adults and having to play subtle and keep quiet about the strong emotions brewing underneath the skin in efforts to get through the day as an American drone enslaved by capitalism and social construct. So some of us walk a little slower across the street, eat poorly on purpose, lack in hygiene and avoid doctors visits, just to speed up the joy ride. As a person who suffers from chronic dissatisfaction with life, I can tell you we can take just about anything, since nothing you can say or do to us is worse than what we already do to ourselves. So go ahead, hit us with your best shot. Please.