Taking A Look Back Into The Past To Discover Why I Am, The Way I Am
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Taking A Look Back Into The Past To Discover Why I Am, The Way I Am

A self-evaluation on who I am.

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Change.

Who knew that one word can contain so much power? How one word can change someone's life? I didn't.

I've personally seen the effects of this word and let's just say that it wasn't pretty. I, personally have seen it, experienced it and felt it. I lost people in my life because of it. People who I thought were my friends. My best friends. My ride or dies.

I've learned a lot of lessons in my life, but that word has been the biggest of them all. I've come to realize that the only people I can truly depend is my family. As I've gotten older, I've lost trust in myself. I can't trust myself to make the best decisions for myself. I fear myself and what destruction that I can cause to myself. I would never be able to say these things out loud. I'm not the type. I bottle my emotions I know. I do it for my protection and for others around me. My sister says it bad to do that to myself. That one day I'll crack and the fragments of my emotions will come to together in an outburst on someone. That it does more harm than good.

However, this is my way of coping. I hate being vulnerable. I hate others seeing that part of me. I hate when others see me cry. I never what people to see that side of me. My weakness. Once you let someone see that part of you, they can do anything with it. They can use it to their advantage and use it against you.

Why would people do that? Why would they take advantage of my trust and my vulnerability? I'll never know the answer to that question.

I experienced this three years ago and I've never really recovered from it. I used to have these two friends, who I trusted with everything. Told them and opened to them more than I've done to anyone else. At that time, I was really happy. But I realized that I was too happy. I didn't know that it would cost me my safety blanket.

I told them my inner insecurities to have them only use it against me. To make me feel exactly what I feared feeling. Alone.

We were sitting in a Chipotle, celebrating a friend's birthday. We were already falling apart, I felt it. The drift. When speaking about an earlier misunderstanding, I felt the words tumble out of my mouth before I even really understood what I was doing. "I feel left out around you guys". I said it so fast and so quick that I hadn't realized the impact of it until the air thickened around us. I was scared. Their reaction, it was the worst. One of them nervously laughed. The other asked why I felt this way. I told them I've felt it for a long time. I knew our friendship was rocky, that it needed work.

The friend's birthday we were celebrating knew about all of this. I had already asked her what I should do. She told me to tell them the truth. Tell them how I feel and stop concealing my emotions. So, I did. What did that get me?

This had gone down on a Saturday afternoon. The following Monday in school, they both ignored my existence. I had told them my insecurity to only have them perform it. I was so hurt. Till this day I never got an explanation as to why this happened or why they didn't say anything afterward. That was in high school. I blamed myself. Told myself that I shouldn't have said anything. That I was a bad friend. I became self-destructive. Tormented myself with the things that were wrong with me. And then eventually, it morphed into anger. Anger towards them. The anger I still feel towards them.

A year later, I somewhat moved on, just more bitter. However, the ending of that senior year, I experienced somewhat the same thing. Someone I consoled in didn't feel the same way about me the way I felt about them. History repeating itself. I cut them off before it got worse. Before I experienced what, I had felt a year before.

You may be asking why I'm digging up the past? Why I haven't fully moved on? I wish I knew. Maybe I need closure. Maybe I need an answer. Maybe I need to explore myself some more. Maybe there is something wrong with me.

Whatever it is, my past affects the way I am. Who I am and who I've become. I've become better. Maybe pettier, but better. I needed to write this. I needed to remind myself that it's okay to feel. Even though feeling hurts, maybe it's what's right.

Writing this made me feel like I did five years ago. My heart beating fast, that sickening feeling in my stomach and the quickening of my breath.

They say that there will be people that come into your life and they'll change it. Those people were that for me. Opened my eyes to what was really going on in my life. It just really goes to show that there are lessons to be learned in life. As I continue to learn these lessons, I feel obligated to myself to do what's right for me. I've become more confident since then. I've learned to truly accept me and what I'm meant to be.

Well not really. My life has been full of disappointment, whether with my ex-best friends or my college struggles. I'm just surviving. Doing what I need to do to get to where I need to be.

I can't tell you it gets better because it doesn't. I know that. But don't let change make you miss out on life. You run your life, life doesn't run you.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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