Over the course of my adolescence, I have always been involved in a relationship of some sort. My longest streak of being alone was probably three months between my freshman year of high school and this past year. I haven't been in a relationship in months, and I have always been very anti-going solo. Recently, my perspective on this has changed.
If you're one of those serial daters like I was, you may want to look into why you actively seek out these relationships. A couple of weeks ago I started to really think about why I consistently crave being in a relationship, and I realized it was an escape from truly delving into myself and who I am. I was plagued with loneliness and I sought any sort of stimulus to get out of my head. With time spent alone, I truly figured out who I am and what I want to do with my life. If you had asked me last year what my interests are and to describe myself, I would have struggled to come up with any defining characteristics. I had no concept of self, and I hated being trapped inside my own mind. I tried to fill all of my time by staying busy and surrounding myself with friends and people to avoid introspection.
It's easy for others to give you a set list of ways to accomplish self-discovery, but the truth is, no one can tell you how to figure yourself out except you. "Practice mindfulness, find your passion" etc., but what does that even mean? It's a different path for every person, and sometimes it takes a dramatic disturbance in your life to really step back and take a look at yourself. I truly believe in order to figure yourself out and discover who you are and what you want in life, it takes time being alone as a young adult.
It's easy to get caught up in relationships and forget to do things for yourself. Instead of watching Friends alone and eating ice cream on a Wednesday night suddenly you're out late studying with your boy/girlfriend or laying around your dorm with him or her trying to find something to do to occupy your time together. When faced with spending your night alone versus with your significant other the latter sounds more appealing. But by not giving yourself this seemingly invaluable time alone, you're doing yourself a disservice. It's late nights that you find yourself filled with boredom that you start to really think about what you desire and crave in life.
Those late nights alone are the nights that helped to shape me into who I am. With all the free time on my hands, I started to really think about what I like to do and what I want to get out of life. During this time alone, I discovered what my interests were and began to really enjoy solitude. I realized in the late-night loneliness that I really appreciate the hour or two before bed I spend scrolling through my Pinterest and reading poetry others have written. I found new music by artists I haven't heard of before. I decided I wanted to volunteer and researched ways to do so.
Your form of figuring yourself out may be completely different than mine. But that is for you to decide, and no one else. I see these lists posted on articles about the steps you need to go through to become this self-proclaimed version of yourself, but the reality is that even if you did each of those tasks, it may not be what you need. In my opinion, you only need yourself and introspection. You'll quickly find what you'd like to fill your time with while consumed by boredom and those things will help you to invest in yourself and get to know who you are and what you want out of life. You have to explore, travel, take risks, try new things, and discover what really ignites the fire within yourself.
Consider study abroad, go to a yoga class at the Rec, try a new coffee shop you've never been to, write, read a book, go to a local concert of a band you've never heard of, visit a museum, or stroll through an art gallery. Whatever you do, become aware of what gives you passion or energy and pursue it.
And you must fall in love with yourself because once you do, you'll never need approval from anyone else to know your worth. Once you find your passions, your aspirations, and what you want to be surrounded by in life, everything falls into place. You realize you have an entire future ahead of you and it's like you're starting on a blank canvas and the mistakes you make can be painted over, or improvised into a beautiful piece of art. Don't let anyone else hold your paintbrush or sway your inspiration.
