We all dream about being high school sweethearts who end up getting married and end up living the cookie cutter life. For a second I thought that dream would come true with my first love. I spent three-and-a-half years with this kid and at first it was all great until I realized he wasn’t right for me. Every other day we were breaking up and fighting and the only time we were happy was when we were with one another. But when we broke up for good was when I noticed how toxic of a relationship I was in.
It didn’t start off that way - it was sweet and innocent at first; scared to even hold the others hand. But the relationship changed and it changed fast.The constant distrust and control was mental abuse but in the time we spent together, the distrust and control made me depend on the relationship. Not in the way I would depend on someone for a ride but in the way that all I wanted to do was stop the fighting so giving him what he wanted made me dependent on the relationship. And well on my road to discovery who I was after the break up, the dependency was what hit me hard. I didn’t know anything about myself because I depended on the relationship and I lost myself and who I was.
In my path of self-discovery, I fell into a deep depression. I felt like the only thing I had going for me in my life was the relationship and when he told me that no one would ever love me again, I believed him. I believed every word he said because after all, I loved him. For weeks, I would cry myself to bed with those thoughts in my head and I didn’t know how to deal with them. I started ignoring and pushing everyone who was close to me away. And that was the worst thing I could have done; my friends and family only wanted to help but I wouldn’t let them. So now I’m walking the path by myself. I already knew my favorite color was purple but there were other, more important things I needed to learn about myself. As time went on, I learned not every situation needs a reaction, I learned that life is precious, and kindness only goes so far. In life we learned valuable lessons; in my case it wasn’t what I learned about myself but in fact what I learned from my past relationship. The biggest lesson I learned was how fragile a person is and everyone is entitled to a perfect love.
If you are in a mentally or psychically abusive relationship, please seek professional help or call a domestic abuse hotline.
