Are they laughing with you or at you? A question that has circulated throughout my mind over and over again, joke after joke. As long as you keep laughing I will keep providing the jokes. I am the "funny" one, the one who can always bring a smile to a persons face in an instant, the one who is known for their infectious personality or awkward tenancies that you can't help but enjoy. I am the one who does this all out of fear, the one who is afraid of the look of disapproval on another's face, the one who just wants to fit in, the one who simply has nothing else to offer.
Having suffered from a lack of self-esteem whether it be from friends mocking my appearance, my weight, the way I act, or even those times when I simply take a look at my own life and look down with discontent. What is so special about a hefty teen with the outline of a connect the dots game on his face? Nothing. Give this kid a sense of humor, the ability to be quick on his feet and make people laugh at corny jokes and other nonsense and now this kid has a purpose. Like a clown in the circus, he is there for the amusement of others, hiding behind thick layers of makeup never revealing just how rattled the person behind the joke truly is.
Comedy has been my coping mechanism, my shield to hide behind in times of trouble. The ability to be quick on my feet with a one liner or the ability to say the right thing at just the right time has become my super-power. Although instead of assisting others with this ability I use it all for my own benefit, to steer my way out of awkward situations, to be relevant and to be liked. Secretly behind every joke is the hope that I will be accepted, that if I can make others laugh it will cause my insecurities to dwindle. As long as others are focused on the jokes and not the man behind them then everything will be alright.
The truth of the matter people always say, "I can never take you serious, everything you say is a joke." Those people would be right, everything always is a joke because I am afraid of the moment when someone is listening to me when I have something serious and heartfelt to say. I would much rather utter another funny pick-up line or a quick liner than speak to what is racing through my mind so often. Often I hear, "you are so weird." Perhaps this is true, perhaps I fall under the weird and strange category, but with my jokes and comedic mentality it is viewed as a weird that is acceptable, that I am not an outcast from others.
The question remains consistently, are they laughing with me or at me? Am I the joke to everyone else? There is no clear cut answer and although low self-esteem may not be viewed as a real disability for others, it is something I have to live with at all times, to hide it, to keep the joke going.A never ending joke that has everyone laughing except for yours truly.
