Recovery is a long process. No matter what the issue, there is rarely a "quick fix," and at times, the healing process can be frustrating, disappointing, and seemingly non-existent. We all have our demons, but my hope is that this piece of writing can help those partaking in the recovery process feel less alone and to remind them (no matter what the journey they are on) that the road is a long one, but even one step forward is better than no steps at all.

Sometimes, self-acceptance is not one, long, hard look in the mirror

It is not waking up fresh and ready

It is not putting away the scale, or the sad poetry

Sometimes, a little self love gets poured into your morning coffee

You are not afraid to add cream

You are not measuring the teaspoons of butter on your toast

You are having toast.

Sometimes, you feel for your ribs

(instinctively)

Sometimes they are there, and sometimes they are not

Self-acceptance does not have to mean you stop searching,

Only that you don’t cry on days you cannot feel them.

You are kind to your arms when you have to wear tank tops

You swim at the beach, somewhat free,

(but most comfortable when covered in the waves)

And half the time, you are safe from yourself,

whatever that means

It was not hour 7, of week 9, of month 14, when it all came together

I cannot point to my calendar and show you

It was half an hour of jogging last Tuesday morning,

it was the impromptu dance party my friends and I arranged a week ago

It was the smell of clean sheets as I settled down to sleep,

it was stomping in puddles from last night’s rain

I learned to love my laugh and my smile

my hair and my chubby knees,

Not all of me (but some of me)

Slowly and gradually

Precisely and purposefully

All these years I feared accepting me would mean

stagnancy

would mean

permanence

But sometimes, when I am feeling generous, I allow this truth to slip through my shield:

I cannot fix a body that is not my own

Self-acceptance, therefore, is the key to change

And not the other way around.