blacksword1122332211@gmail.com to lisaklenning@aol.com; jacobysmitthy@...
Yo yo party players!
You gotta check out this email convo I found lol
Went through the web's back door last night on the ol' onion browser, and originally I was just gonna turn on the bit coin servers and sit back searching for coin, so while i was waiting i thought i'd sweep through the net's dark underbelly real quick; when all of a sudden I happen across this beaut of a convo
Not really sure if it's supposed to be real or not, but basically this poor bastard just gets CC'd around for a while and then....
no spoilers. here it is, enjoy:
December 2016, 11:07am
Aballa Blahd to Thomas Melton:
hey tom hey man im just woondring where te fuck your at man
like do you even know what im trying to get at like does it sink through your skull do i have to type it out clearer? or just say outright for you to understand? have you heard what happen?
if you did then you know you gotta at least HELP take care of this shit
my shit is FUCKED
OUR shit is fucked
YOU need to email me
email back NOW
PLZ
-ab
December 2016, 11:37am
Thomas Melton to Aballa Blahd:
Dearest Aballa Blahd,
I am Thomas’ secretary, Terralla Moshe.
I'm sorry if this is an inconvenience, but please allow me a short time for explanation: you should know that one of my many tasks includes sending emails to clients whose emails have become stuck in what Mr. Melton has termed his, “language filter". So remember that, at the very least, you have it better than those before you; because apparently back before I was hired, those poor emails that got stuck in the language filter would sometimes sit waiting for a reply for up to 8 sales quarters until the, what some have called “unnecessarily condescending” (I use quotes because, who am I to judge Mr. Melton? Who are any of us to judge Mr. Melton, or anyone for that matter?) auto-reply email would go out, detailing the reasons the email was not sent through with line-by-line precision. (Please also make note that any responses to this email will be replied to by an entirely separate department (there is a certain hierarchy in place now for all emails caught in the language filter): so, even though it will appear that you are still emailing "Thomas Melton," it is simply the next person on the list of contacts; I hope this helps any potential confusion.)
By way of explanation, as I can imagine that if you are still reading this then your forehead is beginning to furrow into those unattractive upside-down dirt crusted moustache creases which either means you are angry or are deep in the heart of a too-tough-to-crack mystery (and, making the prediction that you haven’t taken up detective work or reading recently, I would say this is not the case), I hope to illuminate what I mean. When I say “language filter”, I mean that Mr. Melton’s email has a sort of algorithm: as a precaution, I will give a bit of background on the word 'algorithm' for you. Algorithm: Noun: Late 17th century: Variant (influenced by Greek arithmos ‘number’) of Middle English ‘algorism’, via Old French, from medieval Latin ‘algorismus’: the Arabic source, ‘al-Ḵwārizmī’ (‘the man of Ḵwārizm’ (now Khiva)), was a name given to the 9th-century mathematician Abū Ja῾far Muhammad ibn Mūsa. Definition: A process or set of rules to be followed in calculations or other problem-solving operations, especially by a computer.
Hopefully, this gives you enough background for this next part: Thomas’ computer’s email’s algorithm is smart, efficient, cheap to produce, and very, very effective. I, myself, put each of my emails through seventeen to eighteen drafts before I am comfortable enough to attempt communication with Mr. Melton: this is because the language filter detects and blocks any email containing grammatical, syntactical, or punctuation errors.
Obviously, without either proper training in email etiquette or training in linguistic prescriptivism, it is nearly impossible for anyone outside the company to conduct a successful email discussion with Mr. Melton: so, what I am saying, Mr. Blahd, is that you should not by any stretch of the imagination feel bad or sorry or upset. Just as well, Mr. Melton’s refusal to give out his phone number, address, fax number, etc. to anyone, even his employees and coworkers, means that in the end it is nearly impossible for anyone to talk with Mr. Melton unless one possesses a strong knowledge and employment of sound grammar and perfect punctuation, with absolutely no spelling errors. This may be coming off as rather harsh; however, Mr. Melton views each second of the day as the second that could either be the making point or breaking point of his entire life: having to sift through the garbage grammar and wild punctuation of certain senders subtracts largely from what dear-little time Tom has with which to complete such important tasks as responding to emails, taking care of the business he built from the foundation up, meeting with clients, scolding subordinates, managing his personal and financial life, taking care of his dying parents, up-keeping his yard and garden, making time for lunch, and loving his wife.
In short, I am here in order to encourage you to continue trying to send Mr. Melton your message; but only when you feel confident that your grammar, punctuation, and spelling are all tidy and correct. You may fail many times, it may take several weeks or even months if you are unable to follow the rules, but the point is to keep trying: no matter what, keep drafting your messages until they fit the algorithm’s standards perfectly; cross-check with internet sources; maybe hire a tutor, if you feel so inclined: take these steps, and I am confident that you will eventually get it right and be granted communication with Mr. Melton.
Thank you again for your email, and I hope you have a wonderful day!
My very dearest absolute total and complete best,
Terrella Moshe
Assistant to Thomas Melton
J.O.B: Comforters, Accounting, and Statistics
December 2016, 11:39am
Aballa Blahd to Thomas Melton:
did you even read that before you sent it
yo serious what the fucks this bullshit. i dont know what you just fuckin said
fuck your bullshit and just tell tom i gotta talk to him
it’s aballa and tell tom i need to talk to tom NOW
thx
December 2016, 11:53am
Thomas Melton to Aballa Blahd:
Dearest Aballa Blahd,
I am Mr. Melton's one-person Human Resources department: Tohni Mavoli.
I am unfortunately unable to put you through to Mr. Melton at this time: even if I wanted with every atom in me to send this message to Tom on your behalf, it would still remain impossible. This is due to the filter's algorithm's incredible precision, which I know is a fact that our wonderfully verbose secretary alerted to you less than half an hour ago.
I'm sorry for the inconvenience: if you wish to get in contact with Mr. Melton, please re-draft your message(s) and try again when your writing is in compliance with Mr. Melton's algorithm's standards.
Thank you and auf wiedersehen,
Tohni Mavoli
Human Resources
J.O.B: Comforters, Accounting, and Statistics
December 2016, 11:59am
Aballa Blahd to Thomas Melton:
your pissin me off wicked bad
what happened to the other lady and why are you here now and its still got the same email thing? and damn it and why the hell do you all babble on like him the
if you dont tell tom whatsup im gonna have to come down and then youll know what sorry is fucker
shit
December 2016, 12:34pm
Aballa Blahd to Thomas Melton:
why you makin me fucking wait dude, like, just god damn tell me what to do or come here now
you told me what to do and told me to put in my own shit and i knew i shouldnta trusted your drunk god damn ass in the middle of a goddamn sunny december day cuz when has that shit worked out for me before seriously tom you cant just cut like this man and leave me fucked this was your idea in the first place and i just wanna know where to go from here cuz this shit is seriously startin to seriously roll forward and if you dont reply i dont know what to do if i dont know what to do you and i get fucked over from all sides and i known you for man like forever man you gotta come through
im scared man
fuck you
shit
REPLY
fucker
December 2016, 1:07pm
Aballa Blahd to Thomas Melton:
tom if your there just listen to me this is important shit man and your fuckin me over
im waiting like 10 minutes and im out and comin to your office cuz im just about at the end of my threads man just fuckin freaking out over here
tlk2usoon or cusoon
December 2016, 1:13pm
Thomas Melton to Aballa Blahd:
Dearest Aballa Blahd,
I have some very upsetting news: Mr. Blahd, I regret to inform you that Thomas Melton, the pride of J.O.B enterprises, as of 12:56pm, has passed on from this glorious fish bowl we call life. It happened this afternoon when a well-prepared meal of pickled peppers and garlic chicken turned into so much more, when the boneless breast Mr. Melton was promised ended up containing a bit of pesky cartilage: Thomas Melton died choking on this piece of cartilage after he attempted a sip of water with too much food in his mouth.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
May he rest, forever, somewhere, peaceful.
Consoling condolences on this dreadful dying day,
Yours in outreach,
Tralba Metra
Head of Global Marketing
J.O.B: Comforters, Accountants, and Statistians
December 2016, 1:16pm
Aballa Blahd to Thomas Melton:
now i KNOW that shit is bullshit cuz only tom says that stupid fuckin fish stuff
is this tom?
if this is tom then fuck you and also watch out cuz jazmin is up to some shit and thats part of what i know now i gotta come tell you come on you fucker unless your tom god dammit fuck
who the fuck are YOU??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
December 2016, 1:48pm
Thomas Melton to Aballa Blahd:
Dearest Aballa Blahd,
I'm sorry to say, but the information you received from the Head of Global Marketing at J.O.B enterprises is, unfortunately, entirely correct beyond any shadow of doubt: Mr. Melton died not fifteen minutes ago from a chunk of cartilage caught in his windpipe. I am the doctor who tried for four grueling hours to resuscitate him: do you have any idea how up-close and personal that sort of contact is like? I graduated from Harvard Medical School Cumma Sum Laude, and have a pretty good idea of what a dead body is and what an alive body is: your colleague, Mr. Melton, was most definitely dead when I last saw him.
So, unless you know how to re-animate dead corpses, I would suggest moving on: Tom is gone, so he is no longer able to help with your situation.
Scientifically,
Dr. Tahnes Mahner, M.D
December 2016, 1:55pm
Aballa Blahd to Thomas Melton:
this makes no sense
how 4 hours if it happened not even an hour ago
tell tom our shit fell through and we are fucked plz just say that and ill stop
also wtf like seriouslyn why do ALL of you have toms initials and why cant i keep talking with the same person for more than one god damn second
either your tom or this day is actually fucked up and also another thing why the hell do you all start the mail the same way as if that didnt fuckin give it away god dammit tom god dammit fuck you you fucker fucking bastard why didnt you just reply jesus christ you fucker just come on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK
December 2016, 2:23pm
Thomas Melton to Aballa Blahd:
Dearest Aballa Blahd,
My good friend! I barely recognized you over this infernal medium! I would never ignore my old bowling pal on purpose without a good reason, and I can assure you that.
As to your problem, I'm afraid you are misremembering our agreement; which stated, if and only if you were to go out and try your hardest to bring home all that you could possibly be expected to bring home, then you would be reimbursed fully.
I can always expect more out of you; therefore I cannot say that your side of the bargain was truly fulfilled.
I know this may make you angry, but you cannot say it isn't fair when viewed from any angle: I may be saying something that might upset you, but I hope you decide to see me for what I truly am, to see the blatant complement I am sending your way. My dear Aballa, it is precisely because of my knowledge of your ability to always do more that I can never hope to reimburse you for this transaction without going against our agreement: you are simply too good to be counted on to have brought back exactly as much as you are able to. You always have more in you, which makes you stronger than me: it also makes you a thief. I hope you understand.
Alas, for right now I must return to the addictive sweet-meats that Jazmin slipped into my lunchbox this morning before I left for work: you know how difficult it is to pull one's self away from her sweets!
Lovingly, as a friend: Otherwise insouciantly,
Thomas Melton
December 2016, 1:16pm
Aballa Blahd to Thomas Melton
theres no way any of that was real i hope cuz if so you R fucked tom
enjoy that fuckin box of chocolates from jazmin
