In high school I would definitely say I was a "type A." Not only was I a "type A," but school came easy to me. I can only recall about 2 times in which I found school difficult, both of which were when I was enrolled as a full time college student simultaneously with high school. I never had to study for tests and I could put off homework until the morning it was due and still finish it on the flip side I never accepted failure, I never saw a C, and I refused to not be in the top 10% of my class. While these qualities did me well in high school I feel as though ultimately they hurt me more than they helped.
Yes, I mean for obvious reasons such as now I don't really have any study habits, I take school seriously but perhaps not serious enough, and when I am faced with a C in college I will feel really down on myself, but what I am most affected by is the fact that I have NO idea what I should major in.
You see, in high school I was more concerned with doing well than with knowing what I was working towards.
I took part in the College-NOW Bioscience program my junior and senior years of high school, which allowed me to receive my associate degree in Bioscience concurrently with my high school diploma but now that I think about it, I only did the program to be "the best." Growing up I though I wanted to be a dentist, the funny part is-- I though dentistry would be my major. I never knew until about sophomore year of high school that majors were different from degrees such as: M.D., D.D.S, J.D, etc. At that point I was terrified because I had NO clue what I wanted to "major" in. I had this idea that I wanted to be a dentist but as for how I planned on getting there... well your guess is as good as mine.
When the College-NOW program came along I figured, well heck, this is a great way for me to be the top of my class and for me to have a major, so I signed up and got in and there my path started.
As I sat in class I could tell that while I LOVED anatomy I would rather jump off a cliff than look at a histology slide. It was at this point-- my junior year, just two short years before I was supposed to choose the path that I would take for the rest of my life-- that I really started to think that maybe the path I had planned my entire life wasn't for me.
Just the mere thought of changing my entire life plan so close to college terrified me. I went on this crazy down spiral of considering every major... and I mean EVERY major. I bounced between forensic science, communications, marketing, engineering, education, and just about everything else. I eventually found the neuroscience major and for some reason it felt right. I would get to still stick with science, I would still get all my pre-requisites for dental school done, and I would still feel successful and like I didn't waste my time by doing the college program.
This is where my "type A" personality REALLY starts to screw me over.
For a while, neuroscience was a concrete choice, but as the year progressed I started to second guess myself again. I felt like I just couldn't grasp the material I was being taught in all my science classes and each day felt more like a job than school. Like I said before, school was easy for me. Everything came natural and I felt comfortable learning the material, but for some reason these science classes were different.
YES, I am sure that the fact that they were college classes played a huge part in it, but it just felt off to me. For the first time I just genuinely didn't want to learn the information, in fact I found myself not taking notes or doing homework or even trying to make it on time for tests. It's as if I was subconsciously trying to fail out.
Now since I have realized this it has gotten me thinking, what do I WANT to study. The truth is, my perspective is so jaded that I don't know. Every time I so much as consider another major I tell myself that I'll be a failure or that I don't REALLY want to major in that, which is silly I know. After talking to my sister she asked me what I wanted most out of my education, what were my main goals? After thinking about it I realized that I am kind of greedy. I want to help people but I also want money, independence,prestige, and the ability to travel. Sure, dental school will allow me to help people and to have money and even to have prestige and independence but the thing is, I DON'T WANT TO MAJOR IN SCIENCE. I recognize that yet I still can't bring myself to change my major. I begin to think what if I change my major before I give neuroscience a fair chance and I miss out and I even start to think well if I don't major in science I will be a failure. I guess I view M.D and D.D.S as this successful person and if I settle for anything less than I won't be successful.
Like I said I always have to try to be the best and so giving up is hard for me. When I think about what I would enjoy doing, I can't give you an answer, but based on my test scores I could.
I score exponentially higher on my English and reading tests than math and science. I took 'The 16 Personality Types' test and I found out I am an ENTP, the personality type that they say make the best lawyers, managers, and public relations specialist. I find myself getting excited about the thought of majoring in English, communications, or marketing, but every time I start to feel excited it's like there is this little voice in my head that repeats, "failure" over and over again.
The truth of the matter is I am two weeks away from the start of my freshman year and I am about to tens of thousands of dollars in debt to major in something that I know I don't want to do for the rest of my life, yet I can't bring myself to change my major.
I guess the point of this is to let people in my same situation know that there is other people out there struggling in the same way you are and honestly I think it will all work out. We may have a longer path than others to get where we are going but eventually it will work out and you know what, we will have one hell of a story to tell at the end of it.
