I am going to share one of my deepest, darkest secrets with you: I, Carter Dean Gage, do not have a nickname. 

There was a brief period of time in grade school when a good friend of mine dubbed me “C-Bob.” That failed to stick once people realized it made no sense.

Other than that, I have been called many things.  My brief and uninspiring baseball career brought me close to a solid nickname numerous times. I was known as the “Kung Fu Panda” for a couple weeks due to my striking resemblance in shape and character to San Francisco Giants third baseman Pablo Sandoval. My high school teammates credited my lack of speed on the base paths with their favorite nickname of mine: “Nascar.”

Yet again, none of these nicknames stuck. I will always question why I have never been blessed with a spectacular alter ego. I bet Maverick and Ice Man both had regular names like “Carter Gage.” They were lucky to be given those phenomenal monikers to go by. Where is my version of “Maverick”? What about Ice Man made his friends start calling him that? Was he especially cold? Did he have a particular affinity to ice? These are all legitimate questions I have asked myself. 

I decided recently to attempt to quantify the creation of a good nickname by researching those nicknames around me and in pop culture. I figured if I could find the root of all these nicknames I might be able to break the established belief that you cannot give yourself a nickname. I want to be the Jackie Robinson of the nickname world. I want people around the world to remember Carter Dean (insert spectacular nickname here) Gage as the first man to break the nickname barrier and give himself a new calling card. 

I looked first to my friend Adam. His nickname? Stumpy. It is a very good nickname by all standards. It came to be because he is short, and he resembles a stump. People refer to him as Stumpy both to his face and behind his back. He is not a fan of the nickname. Usually he responds to it by quickly retorting, “That’s not my name.” I’m sorry, Stumpy, but, yes, it is your name.  

So my first subject showed me that physical characteristics can lead to a nickname. I thought about my own characteristics: average height, brown hair, blueish eyes, etc. I found nothing extraordinary. Nothing about my physical appearance can lead to a nickname. The search continued. 

I then looked to my friend Allie. Her nickname? Pee Pants. This one is pretty self-explanatory. She has a problem holding her bladder after a night of drinking. This is a very normal problem, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. It also was the source of a pretty solid nickname. Keep doing you, Pee Pants. Except maybe you should think about investing in some good water resistant pajamas.  

Pee Pants’ nickname came from something she is known for doing. I thought about the things I do. Again, nothing stood out. My most extraordinary habit? I cannot sleep with socks on. “Sockless Carter Gage” does not have quite the same ring to it as “Shoeless Joe Jackson,” so I continued looking.  

My most recent subject of research was my friend Kevin. Kevin is a man of many nicknames. His alibis include, but are not limited to: Creeper, Squad, Leek the Freak, Gustavo, and, my personal favorite, Gus Bus. Does that not sound great? Gus. Bus. So short. So simple. It rolls off the tongue. It rhymes. The origins of this nickname are highly-esteemed lore in many parts of the country. It blossomed from another one of his nicknames, Gustavo, which came to being due to his Hispanic-looking facial hair. Gus Bus then came to life one fateful day when one of Kevin’s friends watched the American classic "Benchwarmers," starring Rob Schneider and Jon Heder. There is a line in the film where Rob Schneider’s character, Gus, is jokingly called “Gus Bus.” Little did the writers know that line would birth the greatest nickname in the Midwestern states. That day, the stars collided, and Kevin’s life was changed forever.  

My studies of Kevin’s nicknames were more frustrating than rewarding. He has so many great nicknames, and I have none. I was left extremely distraught after realizing how great a nickname “Gus Bus” is. I may never reach that kind of celebrity status that goes hand in hand with a great nickname.  

I have yet to achieve my original goal: to create a nickname for myself that is worthy of placement on the back of an intramural sports jersey. I will keep you, my faithful readers, updated with my efforts. Wish me luck.