In response to recent parent and student protests, the Sunrise County Public School District has decided to discontinue its English education program.
"It's just not really relevant anymore," stated SCPS president Dick Krankheit. "We need to put more funding into math and science programs, fields where students can actually get a job. We want to encourage our students to engage in post-secondary education, and English classes just aren't useful in preparing them for college. I mean, what kind of lunatic majors in English, anyway?" When asked about the recent expansion of the high school's 0-10 football team's budget, Krankheit declined to comment, stating only, "Go Panthers!"
School board members hope that the sunset of English programs will reduce wasted time that could have been spent on more practical learning. "We've already eliminated the home economics and fine arts programs," board treasurer Sylvia Kline said. "Students don't need arts programs. What kind of real-world skills do those classes promote? Creativity? Design? Students bound for engineering- and computer science-related fields don't benefit from these programs."
Many students agree with this change. A homeroom poll on Tuesday showed that a majority of Sunrise County High School students feel that English classes are not necessary. One in three students considers English education redundant—a high percentage, considering that 61% of voters reported being uncertain of what "redundant" means and declined to answer.
As high school senior Jessica Bridges articulated, "Like, I just don't see the point. I mean, we all know English already. What are we supposed to be learning? How to read? I don't need a school to teach me how to read. Besides, writing papers seriously cuts into my 'me' time. I don't need to know how to write an essay. I'm planning on going into nursing school. What do I need writing for? I need to be focused on science classes like biology and chemistry. Hell, I don't even need math courses. What am I going to use math for? We should be able to opt out of that, too."
Last weeks polls also supported this suggestion, as 53% of students expressed a disinterest in algebra altogether, stating that it is "not necessary for functioning in the real world."
"I've never used math since I graduated high school, and I'm doing just fine," parent Joseph Stiles, 53, disclosed. "What would I need it for? We have calculators, and I can just pay someone else to do my taxes."
Added another student anonymously, "English? Why would we have to learn anything about England? I'm American. It's like Spanish classes; it just doesn't belong in an American school. This is why we need to build a wall on the Pacific coast, to keep out those [redacted] Brits. They ruined this country. America would have been way better off without them."
Along with the English cuts, SCPS has also eliminated history and geography lessons.