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15 Times Schmidt Accurately Described College Life

Schmidt is a national treasure.

Maggie Eckberg

Sep 24, 2018

University of Wisconsin, Madison

664

15 Times Schmidt Accurately Described College Life

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For anyone who has ever watched "New Girl" (if you haven't, what are you doing with your life?), they know that Schmidt is by far the best character on the show. As the resident douchebag, he constantly has some sort of witty comeback, outrageous story or, as you'll see below, hilarious one-liners. His best quotes are somewhat ridiculous, but gosh dangit if they aren't absolutely hilarious, and to be perfectly honest, isn't college also somewhat ridiculous and hilarious?

1. "I'm gonna really need you to step it up tonight. When I see you, I wanna be thinking, who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?"

When you and your girlfriends get ready go to your first frat party.

2. "I don't celebrate Christmas. Or as I like to call it, 'White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night'."

When you find out that your college doesn't cancel class for Jewish holidays.

3. "The economy stinks, the bees are dying, and movies are pretty much all sequels now."

Your mood after you fail the test you have been studying two weeks for.

4. "I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano's phone number just by randomly choosing numbers."

When you pull yourself out of your post-test-failing depression with a newfound determination to succeed.

5. "I'm a squirrel. You're my nut. Winter's coming I'm gonna store you in my cheek, girl."

When cuffing season rolls around.

6. "If I pee while it's happening, will she die?"

When you have to take your required sexual heath workshops.

7. "She's on a flip phone, Jess. I mean, she's either poor or a time traveler."

When you finally get out of your little suburban bubble and find out that not everyone had a car in high school...gasp.

8. "What if Nick gets into an accident? What if he's horribly disfigured and I have to identify him, and all that remains are his private parts? And I'm standing there and I'm saying, 'Sorry officer, I can't help you because no, I haven't seen his penis.' And then boom, he's buried in an unmarked grave."

When you're just trying to get close to your new friends.

9. "Can we just take a moment to celebrate me?"

When you shockingly make it to all of your classes that week and it feels like the greatest accomplishment of your life.

10. "Pine has no place in this house, it's the wood of poor people and outhouses."

When you try to give your apartment/dorm an aesthetic but know nothing about aesthetic.

11. "Sometimes, I just think I'm a riddle that even I can't solve."

When people know what their major is and have their life planned ten years into the future and you don't even know what you want to eat for breakfast.

12. "Well you have found my flabbergast button, and guess what? You've pressed it."

When someone tells you that they don't drink coffee.

13. "Statistically speaking, every American thinks about Abraham Lincoln at least once a day."

When you visit home for the first time since going to college and you want to impress your family with how much you know now.

14. "Girl, 'Imma marry you."

When Brad or Chad make eye contact with you for .02 seconds.

15. "I just want to come home, put on my 'mono and just hang loose, man."

When the sweet, glorious taste of Friday finally comes.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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15 Times Schmidt Accurately Described College Life

Schmidt is a national treasure.

1. "I'm gonna really need you to step it up tonight. When I see you, I wanna be thinking, who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?"

2. "I don't celebrate Christmas. Or as I like to call it, 'White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night'."

3. "The economy stinks, the bees are dying, and movies are pretty much all sequels now."

4. "I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano's phone number just by randomly choosing numbers."

5. "I'm a squirrel. You're my nut. Winter's coming I'm gonna store you in my cheek, girl."

6. "If I pee while it's happening, will she die?"

7. "She's on a flip phone, Jess. I mean, she's either poor or a time traveler."

9. "Can we just take a moment to celebrate me?"

10. "Pine has no place in this house, it's the wood of poor people and outhouses."

11. "Sometimes, I just think I'm a riddle that even I can't solve."

12. "Well you have found my flabbergast button, and guess what? You've pressed it."

13. "Statistically speaking, every American thinks about Abraham Lincoln at least once a day."

14. "Girl, 'Imma marry you."

15. "I just want to come home, put on my 'mono and just hang loose, man."

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The Best Lines from the Fab Four

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make

The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful and so are you

Love is old, love is new, love is all, love is you

There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be

Life is very short, and there's no time for fussing and fighting, my friend

He say, "I know you, you know me", One thing I can tell you is you got to be free

Oh please, say to me, You'll let me be your man. And please say to me, You'll let me hold your hand

It was twenty years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play. They've been going in and out of style, but they're guaranteed to raise a smile

Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see

Can you hear me? When it rains and shine, it's just a state of mind

Little darling, it's been long cold lonely winter. Little darling, it feels like years since it' s been here. Here comes the sun, Here comes the sun, and I say it's alright

We danced through the night and we held each other tight, and before too long I fell in love with her. Now, I'll never dance with another when I saw her standing there

I love you, I love you, I love you, that's all I want to say

You say you want a revolution. Well you know, we all want to change the world

All the lonely people, where do they all come from. All the lonely people, where do they all belong

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends

Hey Jude, don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday

And when the brokenhearted people, living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be.

And anytime you feel the pain, Hey Jude, refrain. Don't carry the world upon your shoulders

I'll give you all I got to give if you say you'll love me too. I may not have a lot to give but what I got I'll give to you. I don't care too much for money. Money can't buy me love

All you need is love, love is all you need

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Blackbird singing in the dead of night, Take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Though I know I'll never lose affection, for people and things that went before. I know I'll often stop and think about them. In my life, I love you more

Obviously the best superpower.

There have been many lessons learned.

1. The importance of traditions.

2. How to be thankful for family and friends.

3. How to give back.

4. What the word "community" really means.

5. That it isn't about the destination, but the journey.

6. The consequences of making bad choices.

7. To trust people, until you have a reason not to.

8. To be welcoming and accepting of everyone.

9. How to be my own, individual person.

10. How to work for what I want.

11. How to be great at giving directions.

12. How to be humble.

13. To be well-rounded.

14. How to be great at conflict resolution.

15. The beauty of getting outside and exploring.

16. To be prepared for anything.

17. That you don't always have to do it alone.

18. How to be creative.

19. To brush off gossip.

I have never been so thankful to know you.

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

Don't freak out

Email the professor

Attend the first class

Keep attending class

Have a backup plan

Remember that everything works out at the end

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