Two years.
It’s been almost two years since I moved from Southern California to Oregon for college. Two years since I moved away from the state I’ve lived in my entire life. Two years since I moved away from the friends that have become like family to me.
As I reflect on this while traveling on my 30 hour train ride back to these friends and memories, I’m struck by the same, nagging feeling that has been in the back of my mind ever since I started college: the fear of seeing my old friends again.
Why am I afraid? What am I so scared of? They’re people I have known for years. They are the individuals I have shared countless memories with. They are the people whom I have laughed and cried with, the ones I survived middle school and high school with.
I know them. Why should I be afraid of what I know?
I know why I’m afraid. I know why I always try to push that fear away into the inner recesses of my mind. It’s a fear that I absolutely no control over.
It’s the fear of change.
I’m afraid of that moment when I come back to California, and instead of the usual feeling of familiarity that I once shared with my friends, I will instead be greeted by the awkward silence of someone that I don’t recognize and someone who doesn’t recognize me. I know I am a completely different person now than I was before I started college. It’s only reasonable that the people I know would undergo drastic changes as well.
What am I to do if I return to California and the people I remember so fondly are forever just a memory, now being replaced by someone completely new? What if I am no longer the person they remember so well and am not the person that they enjoyed being friends with?
I don’t know exactly what I would do if that happened. This will be my fifth time visiting them since I moved away two years ago. Every time before we picked right up where we left off, not missing a beat. Maybe that’ll never change.
But, even if it does change, I know I’ll be fine. We will all be fine.
Even if we all seem different and changed, there will always be that piece of us that is still there. The new changes that my friends and I have all undergone are just the joys of learning more about each other. Change isn’t always bad, although that’s something I constantly forget.
As I get closer and closer to seeing my friends again, I still have that inkling of fear in the back of my mind. But in addition to that fear is excitement — excitement for what new stories and experiences that my friends will share with me and that I will share with them. The growth we have experienced individually will help us to grow together.
