No longer am I going to be twenty-three in this lifetime. This year has felt like a life sentence that I can't seem to bail. If you break it down, there are three hundred and sixty-five days in a year. That's a lot of chances to be happy, content and fearless. In my case, it was a whole lot more time for tears, heartbreak, and sickness. My weakness is my mind and I am quick to sink the thoughts of my trials when I am alone. When asked how I feel about turning twenty-four, my eyes always flood with tears. Everyone's story is catered to their strengths, but I'm not everybody.
Life has sucked the life out of me and I'm simply tired of fooling myself. This upcoming year is a time to find redemption and security. Birthday's are meant to be a celebration of life, but this year it means a little something different to me. This birthday is the end of a race that I have been running for three hundred and sixty-five days. Sometimes, I need to remind myself of what I am trying to erase from my active mind.
You were not created to be average, as far as I am concerned. In one year, you lost your love for life. Your spark was chocked by this tormenting thing we all call life. You thought that you were in a binding contract with continent, love, and happiness. Instead, your reality was shattered by anxiety. When you were alone, you seemed to be paralyzed from the fear of losing your sense of home. At times, you felt misplaced like an old toy.
You slowly lost your lust for being wanted in this world. Nothing seemed to matter and your light was quickly burning out. It didn't get any easier as you made a screaming call to your dad that you totaled your dream car. It was the one thing that you had from my past and just like that, it was stolen from me. Dreams began to form into nightmares and all your mind kept repeating was the crackling of the car you just wrecked. How did you let your life spiral this fast?
It was only the beginning for you, little girl. When the front door peeled open, you no longer found yourself safe. You experienced your first heartbreak and to be honest, you lost a piece of your soul. During that time, you were not easy on yourself. I wish you would have given yourself more credit considering the circumstance of hate. Your mom was there for you though.
Remember the first morning you woke up to an empty room and cried out? You starved yourself for a month and isolated your intentions from the media. I'm sorry that you were bullied. I'm sorry that the person you loved the most whispered in your ear that you are worthless. I'm sorry that you will now never trust without hesitation. It's not your fault that your innocence was stolen away from your tender hands.
It wasn't until you dropped out of a summer class and found yourself no longer occupied with someone else that you saw yourself as weak and sick. You were charged guilty of dismissing your own feelings. That's when you began to sleep countless hours in a day to self-medicate. The moral of the story is that you are not weak. Now, the alarm screeches at the crack of down, you lean over and turn the lamp on as you begin your day with one pill.
This pill is not the answer to your problem, but it is allowing you to clear the airway. You now seem happier and independent. You're able to function in your day with other people without feeling burdened and exhausted. For the first time since twenty-two, you swung open your front door and felt safe, motivated and loved.
You did it! You made it to the finish line. Hello, twenty-four-year-old resilient girl. You are going to do amazing things this year. This is your year to find healing in your laughter. Twenty-four will be a year that you claim your master's degree that you so diligently earned all by yourself.
During this year, I pray that you hug Jesus a little tighter while finding the strength to further develop your self-discipline. You were meant to do the exact opposite of normal. Continue to love people around you a little harder and take a leap of faith every now and again. You are beautifully disastrous in so many more ways then you will ever know.
