I have this idea that if I don't tell other people my problems then they won't worry about me and what I think about every day doesn't become real. More often than not lately, I have found myself in a constant pool of stress and emotion that when it comes time for me to talk about it all, I choose not to. I also have this idea that if I don't show the people I care about that I am sad, they won't be sad because of me. But that isn't always the case.

Sometimes by removing myself and becoming distant, I only make the problem worse. Instead of me trying to save them, I lead them to believing that I don't need them or even worse, that I don't care enough about them to trust them with my issues. As time carries on and the more I pretend that everything is perfect, I become a question mark in their eyes which to put quite honestly hurts.

My intentions are always good but the execution is often misconceived.

When I choose to remain quiet, the silence becomes loud to the people that love me most. The absence of speech translates to a cry for help whether I want it to or not. I can't blame my friends and family for worrying about me from time to time, but sometimes it's just the trivial, everyday mishaps that become overbearingly disappointing when piled onto the already building heap of anxiety. A lot of my stress just comes with life and the never ending to-do list that I can never seem to catch up on.

I find that if I focus too much on one thing, I let another slip through the cracks... you can probably understand. If you're confused, here's a quick illustration: if I focus too much on friends, I don't pay enough attention to the work I need to do. If I work too much, I let my friendships struggle. If I pay too much attention to one relationship, another begins to crumble. Lately, I've been struggling to find the happy medium in anything. I know this all boils down to just being constantly overwhelmed and that it will all blow over soon, so this leads me to not feeling the need to talk about everything that's going on in my chaotic mess of a brain.

My silence by no means indicates my disinterest in you, it's for my problems.

Life often seems like too much not only for me but really everyone; there's so many sayings that come with this notion: "When it rains it pours," "And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...," "Misery loves company," and more. Everyone has their own issues and their own ways to deal with what is handed to them. I am not saying that my coping method is the best because in reality, it is probably one of the worst. Alienating myself isn't solving any problems and in fact, engenders more by upsetting the people who care about me.

If you can learn from any of this, know that keeping your problems to yourself only seems like you are keeping secrets. By thinking that you are saving loved ones from your issues, you are only making them worry about you; they don't understand what is happening to you so they can't interpret how to help you. They are stuck trying to decipher between whether you need your space to help yourself or if they should be there holding your hand as you continue to fight. At the end of the day, they are by your side because they want to help, not because they want to add to your troubles. When you come to understand and live by this, your life will become easier.

I am learning this slowly, but I am trying.