Hello, all you wonderfully low self-esteemed teenage females who desperately want attention from guys, but don't know how to get it! Before we begin, remember that you are absolutely not going to attract any males with this, but we are writing this anyways because we thought this title would be enough clickbait for you to read this, and maybe we'll finally have enough ad revenue from the site to sponsor our own sad lives. Consider five minutes of your life wasted!

1) Guys love it when you look them deeply in the eyes!

2) Try licking your lips slightly, as if you're looking at a delicious meal. Feisty!

3) Walk up to him, swaying your body a little bit like a snake. Show off your stuff!

4) Whisper in his ear. Maybe something a little exciting, like "Let’s get naughty,” or something dirty, like “Let’s dig up a landfill." Exhilarating!

5) Touch him a little bit; preferably, caress him with your inner thigh, or maybe your glabella. Mmmm!

6) Let your eyes dilate a little bit. That shows that you're into him - it's a subconscious signal. Science!

7) Now unhinge your jaw, and show off that wide open throat of yours. Say “yaaaaas,” and dish out a large quantity of dank memes from the meme pouch inside your body.

8) Swallow him whole. Now that he's inside of you, there's no getting out!

9) Chant some incantations, preferably in a pentagram drawn with a virgin's blood at 12:00 midnight on a Friday.

10) Ș̵̰͎̘͉͗̚͢a̖͈̫̳ͣ̅̆͒͒̇ͣ̋͘͢c͖͖̥̓̃͗r̲͉̈́̽̉̀̚͞i̠̭̯̗͖͎͇̇ͨf̘̍̇̃͐̎͟͞į̧̩̥̞̣̝̜̟̠̋̂̐͝c̐͛ͣ͑͂̚͏̨͚͉͙̲͍̯̘̕ě̴͎̹̲̝͕̫̥̀ ̜͔̔̽̋ͧ̈ͭͯ͜h̗̟̖̯͐̅̅̌ì̉̈́ͭ̄ͯ͗͋͏̦͍̠̦̰͙̠m̡̢̙̓̊̾ ̟̩̞ͦ̐͜͞t̊̓ͫ̍̔̎͏̗̪̺̜oͥ̇̅͏̸̴̱̯ ̴̖̬͐ͨͯ͐̓͡t̄ͨ̿҉̦̰̦͚̲͔̖̲͈͢h̼͕̲̠̥̫͎͉́͐͡e͉̖̰̰̺̩̿ͬͣ̐͂͜ ͇̤͖͇̙͈̑̔̍ͮ͛͊͛́D̉͗ͬ̔͐̀҉͖̹͚͔͔͔̥̦a̧͓͇̻̥̖̮̭̠͛͆̔̌̕r̥̩̬͉̜̞͇̽̓͒͒͡ͅḳ̢͉͕͍̮͔̯̾͂ͭ̆̀͝ ̬͔̻̯͈̼̻̇ͅL̜̬͉̝͚̃͆ͦ̆͋͒͜͝ͅŏ̻͍̟̗̙̋̎ͥ͋͟r̴͙̜͈̣̍͌̌ͩ̓̈̚͢d̗̩̯̗̱̅̅̀̿̌́͘͡ ̷̡͖̔ͥ͑̋͝ͅS̪̤̰͙̦̜͎̔̏̈͒ͮa̫̟͉̤͍͇̫̟̾́̈̆̊̍ͅţ̴͇̲̼̻̓ͦ͐̚a̰̖̳̦̮̩̓͆̊̍ͦͯ͠n̲͒́ͧͧͪͥ̊

And that's it! You have now successfully captured your own male! He’s all yours now, and you can finally satisfy that shitty self esteem!

If you've enjoyed this article, please consider getting some help, preferably from a psychiatrist, and like and share this article so we can gain even more ad revenue!