You keep showing up, each time with a new body and identity,
You are always internally the same. You are toxic to me and my health. You have a desire, more so a need, to control. However, I am a strong and independent young woman. You enter my life during a hard time, which I have had many of, so that I am more focused on being grateful for someone by my side than on warning signs. When the raw emotions and pain of whichever hardship subside, I begin to realize I deserve better. Just when I start to distance myself, you begin to manipulate me. You demean me with your unwanted opinions on my appearance, clothing, friends, etc. I then grow scared at the sudden exposure to your short-temper and impulsive reactions, that had been hidden until I started to act like I was going to leave you. In those moments of exposure, I know I must leave.
I don't blame you for having issues. You have issues that run deep. Unhealthy relationships have been modeled to you all of your life. Mistreatment of women runs through your blood. You're not used to seeing a woman stand up for herself or leave. It's grown apparent to you that the louder, and more dominant you act, the easier it is to get what you want.
However, I do blame you for not realizing that someone doesn't get scared or desperate in reaction to appropriate treatment. And if you did happen to realize, you sickeningly accepted it for the power it gave you.
Each time I break up with you, I've met you in a different body with a different identity. I have made the same mistake by allowing you to grow close over and over. That is, until now.
I have dated you enough times to have learned enough disheartening lessons. I will no longer allow myself to grow in the direction of a relationship during times of hardship. I know myself all too well. When things are bad, I could meet someone with only an ounce of goodness, and I will polarize that single ounce of goodness in my head so that you seem like an overall good person.
Promising myself to follow that single rule will greatly decrease the likelihood of myself dating another you.
I am intelligent, have a strong intuition, and trust my gut. For the past few months I have reflected upon just how many inconsiderate people I have let into my life. Inconsiderate of how their actions, treatment, and words would affect me. And not only did I let them into my life, but I let them get way too close to my large heart.
I am physically sick over the fact that I, me, allowed them into my own life during such fragile states of mind. I was hurting, and I only hurt myself more by letting you get close.
May there never be another you...