Rusty and Indecisive: Murky Thoughts, Random Sentences

Rusty and Indecisive: Murky Thoughts, Random Sentences

No, I have not fallen off the face of the earth.

No, you are not seeing wrong, it's me again.

Hello there family, friends, strangers, and the world wide web, my own re-appearance creeps me out as well.

Boy have I missed this little dent I created in this vast and boundless outlet--a world that I created myself as a cradle for not only my unfiltered thoughts, but as a safe haven for your own unconventional ideas as well.

Yes, I am talking to him, to anyone. To anyone who feels in each word I articulate--who cries, laughs, cringes, who is angered, disgusted, or feels even the slightest warmth in his or her heart. I simply aim to trigger a conversation beyond my opinion. For you to pass on my message, or re-create, modify, or refute it. I want my words to become malleable and open for criticism, as an open book for anyone to contribute in. My quirkiness, my honesty, and this little baby child of mine in the internet is a food-for-thought of some sorts.

But also as your long lost friend.

And so, I am back, after that extensive incognito phase, refreshed, revitalized, and more tenacious than ever. Some say a significant separation from something you love ignites a much more profound relationship. And I found my way back here, I always do. I am home.

I welcome you back home, dear reader, with my widest virtual arms.

As I begin my comeback, my rustiness prevails. You should know that the creative and innovative side of my brain is experiencing dust bowls and endless nothingness. For the next few weeks, stay tuned for confused, sporadic, and reflective Margaret. She is finding her way back, and she'll get her grip soon. I hope. Yikes.

For old time's sake, I leave you with an abrupt and, of course, an open-ended farewell. Let my sudden return become a testimony that the fire can always be re-ignited. (Hey, [insert shameless self-promotion] speaking of fire, I wrote an article about that good old flame a few months back *winky face*.) Whatever that fire may be, welcome it to burn you, always. I will continue to burn you with mine, until you find yours, and as long as mine keeps on scorching.

Until then, friends. I won't be long, I promise.

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I'm The Girl Without A 'Friend Group'

And here's why I'm OK with it


Little things remind me all the time.

For example, I'll be sitting in the lounge with the people on my floor, just talking about how everyone's days went. Someone will turn to someone else and ask something along the lines of, "When are we going to so-and-so's place tonight?" Sometimes it'll even be, "Are you ready to go to so-and-so's place now? Okay, we'll see you later, Taylor!"

It's little things like that, little things that remind me I don't have a "friend group." And it's been like that forever. I don't have the same people to keep me company 24 hours of the day, the same people to do absolutely everything with, and the same people to cling to like glue. I don't have a whole cast of characters to entertain me and care for me and support me. Sometimes, especially when it feels obvious to me, not having a "friend group" makes me feel like a waste of space. If I don't have more friends than I can count, what's the point in trying to make friends at all?

I can tell you that there is a point. As a matter of fact, just because I don't have a close-knit clique doesn't mean I don't have any friends. The friends I have come from all different walks of life, some are from my town back home and some are from across the country. I've known some of my friends for years, and others I've only known for a few months. It doesn't really matter where they come from, though. What matters is that the friends I have all entertain me, care for me, and support me. Just because I'm not in that "friend group" with all of them together doesn't mean that we can't be friends to each other.

Still, I hate avoiding sticking myself in a box, and I'm not afraid to seek out friendships. I've noticed that a lot of the people I see who consider themselves to be in a "friend group" don't really venture outside the pack very often. I've never had a pack to venture outside of, so I don't mind reaching out to new people whenever.

I'm not going to lie, when I hear people talking about all the fun they're going to have with their "friend group" over the weekend, part of me wishes I could be included in something like that. I do sometimes want to have the personality type that allows me to mesh perfectly into a clique. I couldn't tell you what it is about me, but there is some part of me that just happens to function better one-on-one with people.

I hated it all my life up until very recently, and that's because I've finally learned that not having a "friend group" is never going to be the same as not having friends.

SEE ALSO: To The Girls Who Float Between Friend Groups

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Goodbye School, Hello Real World

I'm ready for ya!


It's starting to hit me.

I've been in school, year after year, since kindergarten. Maybe even pre-school!

Now, I'm about to graduate with my bachelors in communication and I couldn't be more proud of myself. I'll say it. I often sugarcoat it or suppress it but d*mn it. I'm going to applaud myself. It was hard work. It took a lot of motivation, determination, (caffeine), and willpower to get to where I am today. I worked my ass off.

That being said, I can't help but think... What is life without due dates? What is life like without scrambling to turn in an assignment that's due at 11:59 PM? What is life like with actual sleep? Sleep? I don't know her.

Like I keep telling my boyfriend and my parents, I don't have it all figured out. At least not right now. But I will, and I'm in no rush to land my dream job right now. If anything, I want to take a year to myself. I want to travel. I want to sleep in if I d*mn well please! I want to read as many books as I want. I want to write till my fingers fall off (OK, maybe not that).

You get the jist.

I'm free. I can do and be whatever I want. And you know what? That's terrifying.

I'm lost. I've followed this structure for so long. Now what?

I don't have all the answers yet. But for now, at least right at this very moment, I'm so thankful to have been able to receive such an amazing education. And to be able to say I'm graduating with my bachelors in communication at 21 is an accomplishment in itself.

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