Roommate problems.

We've all had 'em.

And if you haven't...you're one lucky person.

People tell you all the time how to deal with the most common roommate problems ... but they really don't work. Communicating like adults? Forget it. Creating a chore wheel? Nah. I'm here to give you proper advice on how to handle those mess-making, noise-producing, hooligan nuisances we call roommates.

The Garbage

If you have a communal garbage bin, I know how disgusting that can get. Nobody wants to take it out. Let's face it- it's too much effort. And by the time the garbage just cannot be ignored, the task becomes even worse. Food is spilling out from over the top, the milk from last week's cereal is congealing somewhere in the middle, and there is a strange liquid seeping from the bottom.

So, how do others tell you to deal with this problem?

They would say: Talk to your roommates. Have a conversation. Set schedules on when you should be responsible for taking out the trash.

I would say: You know you didn't overflow it. You know it was Becky. Becky was responsible for pouring her leftover Indian food on top of those boiled eggs. Take the garbage out of the bin, and leave it under Becky's bed. She'll get the message.

Being Loud

Trying to study? Trying to sleep? Or somehow simultaneously both and your roommates are being absurdly loud? No, this doesn't fly. Especially when it's after quiet hours and they KNOW they should be quiet at this time. Don't they know people are trying to sleep? Don't they realize that sleep is precious and makes us beautiful?

And we deal with this problem how?

They would say: Talk to your roommates. Have a conversation. Set times specific to your dorm for quiet hours to make sure everyone is happy.

I would say: Wait until they fall asleep. Finally. After their raging party with obnoxious friends. As quietly as you can, approach their bedside, and press down on that air horn as hard as you can. Oh, right I forgot to mention ... Buy an air horn.

Eating your Food

This is a number one no-no in my book. I mean, we are already low on cash, starving artists (maybe literally), and food is one of the best luxuries we give ourselves. And your roommate is going into the fridge and eating your food?!? No, completely unacceptable. This is rage inducing.

Now, how should this one be handled?

They would say: Talk to your roommates. Have a conversation. Have everyone label their food so there is no confusion.

I would say: No. There wasn't any confusion. Becky knew what she was doing. She knew those were your cookies but she didn't care. This is what should happen: Make something that looks really delicious. Like, really delicious. Maybe like some sort of pasta dish with a creamy sauce. But make the sauce with anchovies. And horseradish. Maybe a touch of that liquid coming from the garbage can that Becky is responsible for.
Sit and wait.

You'll show Becky. You'll show her.

So, ignore what your parent's tell you on how to deal with those nasty roommates. And listen to me instead. And if all else fails, tell them what you really think.