No need to #ThrowbackThursday on Instagram anymore, because the past has now become the present. That’s right: The '90s are back, baby! The days of chokers, Powerpuff Girls (a reboot is in the works), jean jackets, and butterfly hair clips (this one isn’t quite there yet, but I’m working on it) are no longer a distant memory for millennials. So, what’s the next old school trend to join the fad? Rolling backpacks.
That’s right. Rolling backpacks are up and coming and there’s nothing you can do but embrace them. Remember when your parents tried to coerce you into using them to prevent developing scoliosis, but instead of heeding their advice you spat in their faces and said you’d rather jump off a cliff than commit social suicide? What once marked you as the biggest loser in fifth grade will now make you the trendiest betch on campus.
Seriously? Rolling backpacks? No effing way, is what you’re probably thinking. And if you are thinking that then, as Donald Trump would say, you’re a loser, because only losers use backpacks that damage their shoulders. Welcome to the 21st century, kids! The modern era is all about good health and well being, so if you want to get those inexplicable knots out of your shoulders that just seem to be getting bigger and bigger, ditch your backpack! In elementary school the heaviest thing we had to carry around was our Crayola 72-Crayon Collector’s Box Set, but times certainly have changed. Now we lug around MacBook Pros (I bet you regret not getting the Air even though you were certain you’d use the CD rom disk drive in the pro), chargers, textbooks, and rotten bananas you forgot to take out of your backpack from a few days ago. All of that luggage adds up to a hell of a lot of shoulder pain and a bent back, so sure, if you want to look like the hunchback of Notre Dame, don’t get a rolling backpack.
Reason numero dos why rolling backpacks are the best next things since Neville Longbottom got hot is those Brandy Melville pajama shorts. From selling “made in the '90s” beanies to velvet chokers, Brandy Melville is one of the '90s trend’s biggest supporters, and college girls are one of the store’s biggest supporters. The “Vodi” shorts that they sell are notorious for looking like pajamas, but are mostly used during the day. They’re cute, comfortable and come in many colors, but have one huge flaw. It’s impossible to keep your ass cheeks in them when you walk to class wearing a backpack. No matter how short you make the straps on your backpack to stay directly on your back so it doesn’t subsequently drag your shorts up with each step you take, it’s evident from the amount of times you have to fix your bottoms that you just can’t wear them with a backpack. But you have to wear the brandy shorts because you don’t own anything else acceptable for the weather except for Nike workout shorts and Soffes. So rolling backpacks, which allow you to keep your style and carry around everything you need for the day, don’t seem like such a bad idea after all now, do they?
Imagine yourself in a scenario when you’re running late to class but you have to be on time for it because you missed the last two lectures. The bus is pulling up so you make a dash for it because there’s no way you’re going to make it in time if you walk. Your heavy psychology textbook weighs you down though, so your “mad dash” looks more like an awkward hobble-run. Everyone on the bus stares at you with sympathetic eyes because the doors closed just before you got to the stop. You’re late to class again, and your final grade gets docked by 10 percent. Now imagine a scenario in which you have a rolling backpack that you run with to the bus stop with ease. Everyone on the bus acknowledges how trendy you are, and they are also slightly intimidated by your good looks. You make it to class on time and are never late again. You also get extra credit for making it to the in-class activity. Eventually you graduate college with honors and go on to move to Manhattan to work at your dream job at Cosmopolitan. You start dating an intern who complimented your rolling backpack and you get married in the fall at Central Park two and a half years later. But, I digress.
Millenials are all about being unique and trendy, so if you want to keep your namesake then get a rolling backpack! #RollingBackpacks2016
