As some of you may have seen, Total Frat Move posted an article three years ago on how to be the perfect college girlfriend.
Though it may have originated as a joke, everyone knows that every joke has a small amount of truth to it right? I could honestly care less why this piece was written, but it’s utterly disgusting. I skipped over the ones I don’t entirely disagree with/have a response to. Here's what I have to say about it.
1. "Be younger than us.”
Cause scientifically women mature faster than men, that’s the only kind of girl you’ll get to date your sorry a$$.
2. "Enjoy whiskey.”
I don’t think you care how we get drunk, as long as you can take advantage of it.
3. "Be able to shotgun a beer at a reasonable pace.”
Beer is gross, so no thank you.
4. "Handle your alcohol.”
You can complain that we are lightweights, but when you’re trying to get laid, you seem not to mind.
5. "Don’t be an emotional drunk.”
We’re emotional always, get used to it.
6. "There’s nothing less sexy than insecurity. Except maybe love handles.”
My love handles are exactly that, mine. And I wouldn’t be insecure if you didn’t make remarks like No. 43.
7. "Make us work for it. But only a little bit.”
We don’t make you work for it because you enjoy the chase, we make you work for it because we hope by then you’re a decent human being who deserves what you’re about to get.
“8. Be nice to our pledges…just not TOO nice.”
You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
“9. Hook our friends up with your friends.”
I am not anyone’s matchmaker, they’re big boys they can get a date themselves.
“10. Understand the rules of football.”
Why?
“12. Be someone we’d want to hang out with sober.”
Don’t hit on me when I’m drunk and you’d know who I am sober.
“13. Don’t have annoying friends.”
They’re MY friends, and if you find them annoying, you probably find me annoying.
“14. You don’t have to like beer, but at least tolerate it.”
What does this have to do with our relationship?
“15. Have an attractive mother. Trust me, it’s important.”
So you can call her a MILF? No thanks.
“16. Don’t rush the initial “girlfriend” talk.”
Don’t act like I’m a casual hook-up and I won’t?
“17. Have a fake ID.”
So I can get drunk for your benefit? Or so you don’t have to be bothered?
“19. Bake us something from scratch.”
Because all I’m good for is cooking and cleaning right?
“20. Don’t look like you just rolled out of bed in class.”
But I thought that’s when we look the best? That’s the line we always hear anyways.
“21. Help us study (read: sell us your or your friends’ adderall).”
Or maybe use a book.
“22. Nurse us back to health on Sunday mornings.”
But as you state #35, we’re not your mother.
“23. Don’t go through our phones. We might not have anything to hide but we still fucking hate it.”
Don’t give us a reason to.
“24. If you choose to wear heels, don’t complain to us when they’re uncomfortable.”
We want to look good for not only you, but for ourselves too. If heels make my legs look better, so be it.
“27. Never ask us to watch “Magic Mike” with you. It isn’t going to happen.”
Stop asking me to watch football then.
“28. Eventually we’re going to ask you for a threesome. Either accept or divert our attention with a blowjob. No tantrum necessary.”
Or you could respect for our decisions?
“29. Before you do anything, ask yourself ‘Would a psychopath do this?’”
Before you do anything, as yourself if it’d upset your girlfriend.
“31. Warn us if you’ve hooked up with one of our fraternity brothers.”
It’s none of your business, and I’m sure they’d have told you anyways.
“32. Don’t expect us to take you on 8 dates a week.”
I’d settle for one if you’d do ever that.
“34. Keep your downstairs tidy.”
Because my body was made to please you?
“35. Remember that you’re our girlfriend, not our mother.”
Only when its convenient for you, once you want lunch packed and food on the table, then its okay for me to be your mom.
“37. Unless we bring her up, don’t talk about our ex-girlfriend.”
We expect likewise.
“40. Lie about how many people you’ve had sex with.”
Um honesty is a key component to any relationship. Why should we be okay with your number (#39 but I skipped it) but then lie about ours?
“42. We hate condoms, and everyone hates abortions. You’re a grown up now, it’s time to get on the pill.”
I don’t care if you hate condoms, for one the pill isn’t 100% effective, but why should preventing pregnancy be only my responsibility? You’re having the sex too.
“43. Look good naked.”
My body is just that, MY body. I'll have it look the way I please.
“44. Realize #43 applies to the entire relationship, not just the beginning.”
Refer to #43
“46. Morning blowjobs.” – “49. Did I mention blowjobs?”
Just no. I don’t live to please you.
“50. Be spontaneous. Refer to #46-49 for ideas.”
Grow up.
