Strong emotions and options are a better evening pursuit, but I happened to stumble upon Thought Catalog's article "The Truth Is I'm Always Going To Choose A Boyfriend Over My Friends" just as I was waking up. The idea of someone choosing their significant other over their friends has always been a tough subject for me, so the headline was jarring. The article woke me right up; honestly, I was awake and furious by the time the author had made the point that friends are only placeholders, eternally limited spaces to be filled by a boy one day. She pushes the idea that the disconnect from friends arrives from the fact that she no longer wants to do hungover brunches and crazy nights out, which in turn makes it seem like she really does have to choose between her friends and her love.
But the truth is that your friends aren't angry at you because you canceled on brunch to have a meal with his family. The truth is that your friends don't suddenly think you're a bore because you chose to stay in for date night with your guy instead of getting plastered at a bar. The truth is that there's no big, bad group of judgmental people who want to keep you from your "true love" and "shame" you for the fact that you don't want to wear low cut shirts and heels. You've created this isolation all by yourself. You've invented this genre of people for justification, so you can feel less shitty for the stuff you do, so you can use "true love" to explain why you've abandoned the people who were once dear to you. You're not enlightened, you're not special; you're on a self-proclaimed pedestal.
It's easy to be okay with the fact that you've ditched your friends for a boy if you simplify it like that. But your friends aren't mad at you for ditching plans. You should be having date night with your boyfriend, you should be saying "hey I can't make it to dinner today, my boyfriend is sick." No one expects you to stay the same, because you're right- a relationship should change you. All relationships do. They mess with your head in the best of ways; they make you cancel plans last minute; they make you split yourself between a million different aspects of your life. Your friends don't expect you to be out on a Tuesday night hooking up with a random dude at a club like you were doing two months ago- they'd be concerned if that was the case. What isn't supposed to change is the way you treat the people "who got you there."
We're not disposable. We're not the bubble wrap and packing peanuts that make sure you get to your destination without any dents or breakage. We "dry your tears and comfort you" because that's what friendship is. But don't for a moment think that those things can be discarded once you find a replacement for the warmth that we provide. The things that go into a friendship are not things you can throw away. Your best friend doesn't exist just to pick up the phone to your shaking voice; she doesn't stay up until sunrise texting you to make sure you're okay just to have you ditch her at a trying moment in her life so that you can hang out with your boyfriend. Your friends are the people who have poured blood, sweat, tears, and words into you, and they're not angry that you have a boyfriend; they're angry that you took all their trust and love and used it until you no longer needed it. And then you threw it out.
Friends are not "just" the people who get you there. We're not "just" anything, and I refuse to be reduced to that.
