Let's face it: New Years Resolutions don't work. You say you're going to go to the gym, save your money, and eat healthier but by January 2nd you're back on your bullsh*t. I mean, I always tell myself that this is the year that I'm going to get myself a man but I've been saying that since 2014. Instead of making resolutions that don't work, how about make ones that we can actually get done in a timely manner without too much of a hassle. Here are ten resolutions that you can put into action the minute the clock strikes twelve.*
*Please note: this article is meant to be dark and humorous. I am not serious. Please, don't sacrifice your friends to the ancient gods.
1. Avenge Your Father's Death
Track down the man who killed your father and fulfill your father's dying wish. It's up to you as his offspring to bring peace to your father's tortured spirit.
2. Finally Pledge Yourself To The Dark Lord
The Dark Lord is a busy man and doesn't have time for your flip-flopping ass. Either commit yourself via a blood oath or find another demonic energy to pledge your body and soul to because he isn't going to keep waiting for you to make decision.
3. Join a Cult
Feel like you don't have a lot of friends? Why not join one of your local cults!? They're mostly free to join, all you have to do is give up your worldly possessions and dedicate yourself to the teachings of the cult. You'll probably never see your family and old friends ever again but why should that matter when you have a brand new family who loves and supports you?
4. Sacrifice your friends to the ancient gods
Have your friends been annoying you lately? have they been leaving you on read? Maybe it's time you sacrificed them to one of the ancient gods! Sure, you'll be down one less friend but you'll probably get that hot body you've always wanted.
5. Become a Witch
Take the plunge and become engrossed in the world of crystals and mysticism. Or, go the dark route and learn the dark arts so you may curse all those who cross you. I think I'm going to go the dark route if I'm being completely honest.
6. Commit a felony and get away with it
Always wanted to commit a crime? Didn't feel like waiting for the Purge? well, now you can! Go out and commit that felony you've always wanted to! Rob a store! Murder someone! Commit arson! just be sure to clean up your tracks so they don't catch you
7. Become bionic
Want a hot new body? just get some robotic implants! Sure, you'll be seen as a freak of nature, but at least you'll have chainsaws for arms.
8. Reintroduce the bubonic plague to the world
Why not! let's see these antivaxxers protect themselves against a plauge started by a single ra.
9. Become a villain
Go ahead and succumb to the darkness, swim within it's murky depths. Unleash the true power you've always known was within you.
10. Just Not Care
Literally, just don't care anymore. Become apathetic. Let the world fall into shambles because it honestly deserves to.