I remember saying “I trust you.”

As I gave myself to you, the first person to ever have me.

I remember the way the light from the window made you look like a damn haven.

I remember you kissing my forehead and holding me close, as if protecting me from the rest of the world.

God, I wish I had known that even the world couldn’t protect me from you.

I thought we were both falling together on those gray sheets.

I may as well had been in that room alone.

After six years of friendship I made the mistake of thinking I could never be a 3AM escape for you.

The calls became few. Then they stopped all together.

And now I’m in your house, watching you stand in the kitchen.

It scares the hell out of me the way we look at eachother like we’re strangers.

You feel thousands of miles away.

Last week you met someone else.

I hope she looked like me

Then I could tell myself it was actually me you wanted,

when i’m holding onto a bottle on the floor of my bathroom.

You went home with her.

At least that’s what they told me.

Do you look at her the same way you looked at me, you know, the look you would give me in the hallway when I was wearing nothing but your shirt.

Do you hold her in your arms, safely between your legs,

on the edge of your bed

and trace the soft skin below her ear with your lips?

It always made me laugh when i remembered how you would do that even if I was only escaping to the bathroom.

I would give anything to feel the shadow of that memory.

Did you run your fingertips along her spine when she was on the brink of sleep?

Did you randomly hold her tighter in your sleep, afraid she’d walk out?

Or brush your lips along her forehead just to make sure she’s still there?

Does she get goosebumps like I always would?

God, i’ll miss that the most.

Does she know you’re ticklish on the bottom of your spine?

Does she know how you like the feeling of fingertips running across your chest?

Does she know how you weirdly like it when she sleeps with her entire body on yours?

You would always remind me of a little boy, the way your eyes would light up when i did that.

Do you hold her close to your chest like you did me?

Do you recite all the things you love about her like you would do for me?

Does she believe you,

like I always did?

Can you blame me

The way your lies would roll of your tongue was the most beautiful thing to watch.

You’re so beautiful.

And here I am, sitting in a coffee shop, writing about all the things i’m dying to scream at you.

You’re probably in class.

That’s what i’m telling myself, at least.

But I won’t ignore the drowning feeling that you’re with her.

I hate how I don’t want to hate you.

I don’t want to resent you.

After all of this, I still want to love you.

I do love you.