Remember His Freckles And The Ache You Feel From His Absence

Remember His Freckles And The Ache You Feel From His Absence

You were born with a heart to break it.

That’s when you see them. In those few seconds your eyes close to avoid the sting of the shampoo racing down your features in the shower, or in that mindless blur from when you turn onto a road you’ve driven on for years, or in those final ticking moments of consciousness before sleep, it’s then that you see them.

There they are. The subject of your adoration from years ago, when you were still fifteen and they thought you were funny and you thought you two would get married. Your first love. There they are, clear as day in your mind’s eye.

Just as tangible as their face, just as literal, comes to your body aching at the thought of their resurrection. Those undulating waves of cold skin, shivering hands, the roller coaster’s creeping up over the hump and about to drop, hot cheeks, heavy-faced- aching.

You have their face in your mind right now, their name clutched in your teeth, and that pressure pulling your insides to your feet, don’t you?


Look at your own hands. Look into your own eyes. Smile because you still have a body that will hurt you. Don’t push that feeling away- that physical reaction you conjured up from just a thought. Don’t lose it- that raw reactivity. Celebrate the fact that you kept the wound open with red all these years as to continue to see the lifeblood rushing underneath the skin. Yes, this hurts, but it means you’re alive!

There’s a quote I’ve recently attached to that I keep finding increasingly poignant. Within the final moments of the widely successful film and novel “Call Me by Your Name”, the lead character’s father tells his son this-

“We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything - what a waste!”

It’s true.

I recently felt a heartbreak I thought would destroy me. My instinctual reaction was to pry away this fragile chapter that had just ended from the novel of my life. I wanted to completely maim every beautiful sentence and paragraph of memories’ past to alleviate some of the pain of their being written at all and not being written anymore.

But all that would leave me is this wretched scar as a reminder of the end and my destruction of all the fantastic in between. I will not sully the history of my years in an effort to preserve a heart that needs no preserving to live.

So, revel in that live wire nature of your body. Thank yourself for staying raw, staying outstretched towards others, and for never hardening over the years, for never shutting yourself off, for never losing your spark.

Certainly, you know of those who lost that light behind their eyes through cataclysmic events they just couldn't get through. Let us not be one of those people. Let us fight and fight and fight for healing and for the trust to give that freshly healed heart away again and again and again because it is in that perpetuity that life happens.

Our library of lives will be so full of the gore of heartbreak, and even though the ink may not have even been purchased yet to write of our healing, the healing will come. But it is vital that the many chapters of our individual healing are preceded by page after page after page of every gorgeous love we’ve ever felt and every devastating end that came from them.

For your next inevitable heartbreak- remember- through all the blood and tissue and splintered bone- still lies a heart just for you. Your heart- it's beating your Lifesong and pumping your lifeblood and housing in all of its chambers the many stories of your destruction and repair. It is alive for you. It is there to be hurt for you so that you can live thousands of fantastically brutal devastations and trillions of fantastically magnificent perfections.

Do not fear the pain of an end. Always- ALWAYS- revel at every beginning and every second of every in between. If not, then what’s the point of living at all if not to risk said "all" for fleeting moments of pure and absolute perfection?

Now join me, wounded and bloodied, we will hold our arms outstretched to a humanity that either mirrors our raw visage or stands comfortably poised forever as self-made statue headstones. We will hurt greater hurts than we ever could fathom to exist, and not just survive, but live.

So close your eyes, remember that dimple they had on their right cheek or the way their freckles got darker in the summer, and take pride in your being hurt, being loved, and being alive.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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40 Small Things That Make College Students Happy

It doesn't take much...

1. When class is canceled.

2. When the coffee shop you stop at five minutes before your 8 a.m. has a short line.

3. Coffee, coffee, coffee.

4. Open note tests.

5. Or even better, take home tests.

6. The unofficial assigned seating process that that takes place after the first week or so of classes.

7. Thursday nights. (because in college, Thursday qualifies as the weekend.)

8. Sales.

9. Or once again, even better, free things.

10. Specifically free food.

11. Dogs.

12. Dogs on campus.

13. Tailgates and Saturday afternoon football games.

14. Finding an already completed Quizlet for your exam.

15. Having an extra 30 minutes for a nap, and if you're lucky, an hour.

16. Netflix.

17. When your roommate takes out the trash.

18. Weekends after test weeks.

19. The rare blessing of a curve on an exam.

20. Getting out of class early.

21. How in college, it is socially expectable to wear a t-shirt everyday.

22. Being able to walk from class to class or eat in the dining hall without having to see anyone you know. (and thank goodness too because you probably don't look too good.)

23. Crossing things off of your to-do list.

24. Your best-friends that you make in college.

25. A full tank of gas.

26. Seeing a new face everyday.

27. Crawling back into bed after your 8 or 9 a.m. (or after any class that ends with a.m.)

28. Care packages.

29. No cover charges.

30. When adults tell you that it is okay that you have no idea what you want to do with your life yet. (regardless of what parents or your advisor may say.)

31. Pizza.

32. Finding out you weren't the only one who did poorly on the exam.

33. Deciding not to buy the textbook, and never needing it.

34. Finding the perfect gif to express how you're feeling. (Michael Scott just get it.)

35. Weekends at home because...

36. Pets.

37. Mom's home cooked pie and Dad's steak dinners,

38. Spring Break.

39. Road trips.

40. When it finally starts to cool down outside so you can show up to class dry instead of dripping in sweat.

Cover Image Credit: Abigail Wideman

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Everyone Should Experience Working In Fast Food Or Retail

Working in fast food was definitely not sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows, but I'm so glad I did it.


I know these jobs aren't glamorous. In fact, most days I looked forward to clocking out before I had even clocked in. I always secretly rolled my eyes when an angry customer droned on and on about how entitled he or she was. Though I can name a lot of bad things that happened on the job, it wasn't all horrible. As I reflect on my time working in fast food, I realize how much having that job really taught me and how grateful I am to have had that experience. I really think everyone should work in fast food or retail at some point, and here's why:

You make some great friends from work. I get it, sometimes your co-workers are royal jerks or flat out creeps. You see your name on the schedule next to theirs and immediately try switching with someone else. I've been there. However, I have worked with some amazing people as well.

Every time I worked with one girl in particular, we laughed for entire shifts. One night, we were singing the national anthem at the top of our lungs without realizing a customer had come in (to our surprise, she applauded our terrible screaming). Another coworker and I turned up the radio on full blast when business was slow and had dance battles. We made the most of our shifts, and I still talk to some of these people today.

You learn how to deal with difficult people. It's the age-old story: the uppity customer thinks twelve dollars for a meal combo is outrageous and Where is your manager?!

My friend and I were once called stupid and a customer said he would never come back to our restaurant to eat ever again. At the moment, we were scared out of our minds because we were both pretty new to the job. As time passed, we became more patient and tolerant and knew what triggered these particular customers. Dealing with these adversities definitely helps in the long run, particularly when it comes to doing group work with people who seem unbearable.

Your people skills increase by a landslide. I had always thought that I was great with people before I had a job. However, when I found myself in situations where I had to talk to strangers, I would grow nervous and stumble across my words from time to time. Working in an environment where communicating with others is a driving force helped me not only with improving my public speaking, but also made me more outgoing. In situations where I once backed into the corner to avoid having to talk to someone, I now take charge and initiate a conversation.

You establish a connection with regular customers. My favorite customer was named Jack. He was the sweetest old man who came in every Wednesday and Friday and bought food for himself and his wife. I quickly memorized his order, which impressed him. We shared pleasantries every time he came in, and my coworkers and I looked forward to seeing him.

Establishing a relationship with people who come in a lot helps immensely when it comes to working. It also provides a sense of accomplishment when you memorize an order. Not to mention, the customers start to like you and typically leave a generous tip!

You have stories to tell for a lifetime! Sometimes bad things happen at work. Once I was holding a hot pan and burned my arm— I still have the burn mark on my arm to prove it. My point is, it sucked at the moment, but now I look back and laugh.

One time I asked my coworker how to make soup and she replied, "Slowly, but beautifully." It was so nonchalant that I cracked up for hours. There was also a time when a customer asked me for outlandish toppings and condiments that we didn't offer. The craziest story, though, was the drug deal that went down in our public restrooms. My coworker and I obviously could not leave our station and follow these people into the bathroom, so we were pretty much defenseless. Nobody got hurt or anything, so it made for a great story.

Working in fast food was definitely not sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows, but I'm so glad I did it. It made me more independent and outgoing and gave me memories I'll never forget.

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