I stopped and thought to myself, "Right now in my life I need to be on my own, and be content with my own being." I thought to myself again, "I can't leave him, everything I know and feel comfortable with will become way too unfamiliar." I started to feel less and less like myself each day. I was going through something I didn't want him to know. I was depending my happiness on him instead of trying to be happy with things in my own life. I pretended like things were ok and brushed aside each instance where my heart was telling me that I needed to take myself out of this relationship to find myself again. I didn't want to believe that I had to leave my safe spot in order to grow. I felt comfortable, I felt safe and I was invulnerable.
The truth is, deep down I actually craved to step out of my comfort zone, be vulnerable and free but had major trouble admitting it.
When I stopped making excuses for how I truly felt, that's when I started to become full on my own again. I found myself doing things for myself and making decisions that didn't always have to be connected to him. My own personal growth was more important to me than ever. It's ok to end a relationship you don't see yourself in anymore. If you do not love yourself, how can you love another person? You would be doing that person and yourself an injustice. It's unhealthy to depend on someone else and to constantly be looking for reassurance from another person.
Go do things that make you happy. Find what makes you your own person and run with it. When I was beginning to find myself again, I daydreamed about wildflowers, rediscovered my love for writing, sang my heart out to show tunes, spent time at coffee shops reading my favorite books over again, went on nature hikes and found myself lost within mother natures creations, made beautiful paintings that expressed my emotions, and found new music that lit up my soul.
Realize when you're truly unhappy in a relationship, and do yourself a favor and take action sooner rather than later. Accept yourself for who you are- the good and the bad and make the changes you feel are necessary, don't be scared. Don't put your own happiness in the hands of another because it's convenient, that's not how happiness works. This is your journey, find yourself, bloom into the bright sunflower you are and shine with independence. You will flourish in this crazy life, I promise you.
